Holidays With a Loved One Who Drinks Too Much
Holidays with a loved one who drinks too much? Are you prepared?
For the families of a loved one who drinks too much, holidays can be fraught with angst, worry and fear about what’s going to happen this year. They worry about how to keep him (or her) from drinking too much, keep his sister from making nasty comments about his drinking, keep his wife from nagging him about ‘having another beer,’ and hope dinner is served before he passes out. Likely all of this will have them on pins and needles, snapping at the other children, ‘listening’ for signs that things are about to go badly; almost giddy with angst trying to keep it all ‘happy.’ And, if it goes like it usually does, all of their expectations — their dashed hopes and dreams — will turn into resentments before the New Year.
So what can you do to improve your holidays with a loved one who drinks too much?
Here are seven suggestions:
Know the basics of alcohol’s effect on the brain
When a person drinks too much, it causes them to engage in any number of drinking behaviors — the key concept here is “drinking behaviors.” Drinking 
behaviors are not the “true” nature of a person (unless it’s how they behave when sober), rather they are caused by the ethyl alcohol chemicals in alcoholic beverages interrupting the brain’s cell-to-cell communications in areas of the brain that control a person’s judgement, memory, motivation, pleasure and motor skills, as examples.
Drinking behaviors include passing out, starting a fight, continuing inane trains of conversations that only they can follow but the other is afraid to break for fear of them getting mad, being all lovey or being all nasty mean. You cannot control drinking behaviors because your loved one’s brain is no longer functioning properly. The only thing you can control is how you react.
In addition to what was shared above, it’s important to know alcohol is not processed like other foods and liquids. It bypasses the digestive system, moving into the small intestine and from there into the blood stream, traveling throughout the body. It takes specific enzymes in the liver an average of one hour to metabolize (rid the body) of the ethyl alcohol chemcials in 1 standard drink. While the liver is metabolizing the ethyl alcohol chemicals, the chemicals “sit” in areas of the body that are highly vascularized (lots of blood vessels), like the brain, interrupting the brain’s cell-to-cell communications and thus changing a person’s thoughts and behaviors. 
A standard drink is defined as 5 ounces of table wine, 12 ounces of regular beer, 8-9 ounces of lager beers/ales, and 1.5 ounces (a shot) of hard liquor (boubon, vodka, gin, scotch). Thus a person drinking six drinks will take an average of six hours to metabolize the ethyl alcohol chemicals in those six drinks. Binge drinking (which is typically where drinking behaviors start – though they can start on far fewer drinks) is defined as 4 or more standard drinks on an occassion for women and 5 or more for men. BTW… Food only slows how quickly the alcohol reaches the small intestine – it doesn’t absorb it. Water does not dilute the alcohol – it only helps with dehydration. Thus the only way out is through the liver. In other words, the only thing that can sober a person up is time, an average of 1 standard drink per hour.
Try put yourself in a mental bubble
Not that you don’t enjoy your holiday, but try not to keep track of what everyone else is doing. When one or the other complains to you about what the other is or is not doing, smile and gently say, “I think that sounds like something you should talk to him or her about.” And then, WALK AWAY…easier said than done, I know, but you can always excuse yourself to go stir the gravy.
Consider not serving alcohol
It’s only one day and likely just a few hours. If not serving alcohol is a deal breaker for some of those you typically invite, hummmm….
Do it differently
Instead of the traditional meal that generally involves several days of shopping, baking, decorating, setting the table with the family china, stress over making grandma’s special cranberry sauce and Aunt Susan’s side of the family’s favorite stuffing, which is different than Uncle Harold’s (so you make a small size pan of his)… I mean talk about stress! How about downsizing the whole event so that it’s less about the meal and more about having time and calm to play games or take walks or snuggle with your children or significant other?
Keep your expectations low — not off but not Norman Rockwell, either
Try not to put stock in the hope that this will be the holiday you’ve always dreamed of because typically it can’t be when a loved one is misusing alcohol (drinking more than their brain and liver can process). The drinking behaviors that ensue set up a whole host of behaviors in everyone else as they try to grapple with what to do in their own way and with their own set of expectations, emotions and views of the situation. Controlling all of that is utterly impossible.
Count to 10 or 100…
…or take a walk or head to the bathroom and lock the door when it feels as if you’ll explode — do anything to break the moment so you can collect your wits about you.
Enjoy the parts you can
When you aren’t so focused on trying to stop what is beyond your control, you can focus on a child or another guest or your own admiration of the meal or having a private cup of coffee in the wee hours of the morning before the festivities start… basically, try to be ‘mindfully’ engaged in whatever it is that gives you pleasure and focus on that.
Bottom Line
The most important message is that when a person drinks more than their liver can metabolize, they are no longer thinking straight, nor can they act responsibly, nor will they be able to understand you and your feelings or give you the reactions you desire (and deserve, by the way). It’s not you. It’s their drinking behaviors. So this year try to do more of what works for you for which these two post might help:
Courage to Change the Things I Can
Detach. Detach With Love. You’ve Got to Be Kidding!
Lisa Frederiksen
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