Detach With Love – But How?
I’ve been in a number of situations lately where my heart goes out to the wives, husbands, children and parents of alcoholics and drug addicts who are brand new to this journey called “recovery.” Their deep, deep pain, anger, desperation, confusion, isolation, longing for it to be better, sadness — and in some cases, numbed silence — waxes and wanes as terms swirl through conversations.
Terms like codependent, enabler, SLE, IOP, in-patient, intensive out-patient, AlAnon, NarNon, powerless over alcohol, dual diagnosis and co-addictions are batted about as if they are words in conversations we exchange with that nice check-out clerk at the grocery store. Terms that make no sense, nor can they be viewed as applying to them because they were just trying to get their loved one to stop and now they’re just trying to get them clean and sober.
And, then, of course, there are the concepts of “detach” and “detach with love.” What the heck do these mean? “Who’s going to make sure my loved one is safe; doesn’t use; gets a job; succeeds in recovery if I detach?’” they often say.
For some, the suggestion they detach with love, is followed by their equally incredulous response, “Are you kidding? After all they’ve done to me? You are off your rocker. That’s asking way too much!”
And when you think about it, it is all too much. It feels like being told you have to learn to read, write, speak and translate German and Chinese within the next month (the time-period for the typical 28-day, residential addiction treatment program) or YOU will have failed.
So, for all of you who are new to this, take it slowly. And, by slowly, I mean take it just for today, and in some cases, just for just the next 5 minutes. You do not, nor can you, have all (or even 2) of the answers to what happens next. To give you a hand with this, the posts linked below may help you stay in just for today (yes, another one of those catchy phrases you’ll hear a lot). As you learn to detach, you’ll eventually be able to detach with love.
Detach means to…
realize that each of us has a brain that has its own neural network wiring based on our individual experiences, thoughts, influences, genetics and the like. The only brain we can control, and therefore the only behaviors we can change, is/are our own. Therefore, we can detach from another person when we remember their brain, a brain that is not within our power to control, controls their thoughts and behaviors.
Detach with love means to…
have love in your heart for another person, who may not be living their life the way you think they should or want them to, while at the same time, detaching — letting go of the notion you can change them given you can’t change their brain — only they can. In the case of detaching with love from someone with the brain disease of addiction, it helps to think of it as you having accepted that addiction is a brain disease and that the behaviors exhibited while your loved one is active in their disease were/are the result of the chemical, structural and functional brain changes caused by their disease. Therefore it’s okay to love the person but hate their disease. Truly accepting that you cannot control that person’s brain (regardless of whether they’re using their substance of addiction but especially if they are) is a huge piece to being able to detach with love.
For now, however, focus on just trying to “detach.” And when all else fails (which it will because this is all so new), focus on your breath and simply breathe. Breathe in; breathe out; breathe in; breathe out. For those brief moments, your mind will detach and give you the moments of much-needed peace you need.
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It is a terrible thing to grow up with alcoholics, not knowing what is going to happen. Thank you for reaching out to people in need!
Thanks so much for reading and adding your thoughts, Olga.
I agree with you that the only brain that we can control is our own. A lot of self inflicted pain occurs when we take responsibility for the behavior of another…because we really can’t do anything about the actions of another, even if we love them dearly.
You’re so right. Thanks for reading and adding your thoughts.
Great post Lisa. Some real truths here. I can honestly say that had I not believed in what you wrote here “Therefore it’s okay to love the person but hate their disease.” there is no way my marriage would have survived my husband’s relapse. It is one of the few positives of being an alcoholic that I had ‘insider insight’ of the disease and was able to detach. Even then it wasn’t easy!
Thank you, Carolyn! I, agree, that concept was a huge game changer for me, as well. I had so wrapped my loved ones in their alcoholism-related drinking behaviors that I could not see the “real” them in the swirl of my feelings of anger, distrust, hurt, sadness, betrayal — feelings caused by their drinking behaviors and my lack of understanding of their diseases… I really appreciate you reading and adding your experiences.
Glad that you keep the families in mind when you write about alcoholism. I like how you mention “detach with love”, many family members feel so guilty when they can’t do anything about a loved one’s decisions.
You raise a very good point about the guilt family members feel when they can’t help a loved one. Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment.
I love what you are doing and bringing awareness and education to people new to recovery. Thanks! I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Thank you so much, Meryl! I appreciate your comment and support!!
Thanks for your great post.
Detach with love seems like something anyone would do for somebody they love
Thanks for reading and adding your comment, Tara.
Great post, Lisa. It is all so true. People throw about these terms like we can do it with the snap of our fingers. It is a process and it must be one step at a time. I am thankful that I have learned to be able to “detach with love”. It has made all the difference to my sanity and peace in my own life. I cannot help anyone if I am in constant turmoil, especially over that which is not in my control.
It is such a process… thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience. I’m so glad you found your way out!!
Hi Lisa,
I can remember when I was a new parent with an addicted child, and felt overwhelmed with the terminology and the world of recovery and addiction. This disease affects families of all kinds, no one is immune. You offer a wonderful explanation of detachment (with love) which is the first term that many parents hear when they attend support groups. It can be an experience filled with anguish, but joy can seep through with time, if we let it. Take care.
Thank you so much, Cathy, for sharing your experience. As you’ve said, the beginning is so very overwhelming — I think that’s often why families give up — they’ve been working so hard to keep it all together that this “one more BIG thing” is just too much. I only hope this helps them see that even if they take in just one or two concepts and really embrace them — they’ll see improvement for themselves.
Lisa, this is a great article. It’s hard to wrap your brain around detach or detach with love. It’s also hard for the newly recovering persona and family to set boundaries period, knowing what to own as their issue. It does clearly come down to dealing with your own issues for sure. Thanks!
You are so right, Lisa, it’s all about setting boundaries (I remember I had no idea what one was, let alone how to set it
!)so you can deal with what’s yours and let go of what’s not. Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment!
amazing post and its how I’ve been able to love and except many people I know have a problem. Lovely advice!
Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment, Elizabeth. And, you’re right – it can work with anyone with whom we have a problem.
well it must have been the week for love and detachment, I had an article about loving with detachment and letting people be who they are. Very wise advice in this case too!
I know! I saw that, too. I loved your post, which I’m sharing here — http://www.thegiftofalifetime.net/loving-detachment/ — it’s terrific!
Gentle reminders and such wonderful advice! I think we all sometimes think if disassociation as a hate thing..I have family members that I spend little time with because of their negative impact on me. I still love them I choose not to spend time so as not to be like them
Beautifully said, Anita, “I have family members that I spend little time with because of their negative impact on me. I still love them I choose not to spend time so as not to be like them.” Talk about detaching with love!
Thanks so much for reading and adding your comment.
From the outside, Lisa, that really IS an alphabet-soup vocabulary with almost-foreign terminology. But your clear, reality-based definitions of ‘detach’ and ‘detach with love’ make so much sense that they may actually be able to pierce the emotional filter that the loved ones are applying.
Thank you so much, Sharon! I really appreciate you reading this and adding your comment.
This is such an important lesson, Lisa. When we learn that we can’t control another persons thoughts or actions, it is so much easier to let go with love. Thank you for explaining it so well.
And thank you, Helena! I very much appreciate you reading this post and adding your comment.
Great post. I can’t even imagine what it is like to live with a loved one suffering from a drug or alcohol problem. Whether it is a child, parent or spouse the confusion that must happen within your mind has to be immense. Thank you for sharing.
It really is immense and affects one in four children and over half of American adults — yet most efforts are targeted at helping the person abusing or addicted to the substance (extremely important, to be sure) but equally important is to help their loved ones, as well. Thanks for reading and adding your comment.