Acceptance is… well, Acceptance | Recovery from Addiction | SHD
Are you in recovery from addiction or SHD (secondhand drinking | drugging)? Likely, then, you have heard these sorts of phrases: “Live and Let Live,” “Let It Go,” “…to accept the things I cannot change.”
Don’t you hate when people try to make something that is darn near impossible to define, let alone do, seem simple? I know I sure did. Yet it was finally coming to a definition of “acceptance” that I could wrap my head (and heart) around that made all the difference.
Acceptance – a tough nut to crack, yet so important to addiction and secondhand drinking recovery.
Take that last phrase from the Serenity Prayer, “…to accept the things I cannot change.” It’s followed by another phrase, “the courage to change the things I can.” I used to interpret “things I cannot change” and “courage to change the things I can” as “you’d better get in there and try harder because, by gosh, you can do this! And if you don’t, it’s because you don’t have the courage.” (Convoluted, I know….) And so I would dig in. Sadly, there was nothing about my loved ones’ addictions or substance misuse, nor my own secondhand drinking impacts that I changed – and I tried – for 4 decades! Talk about a tough nut to crack!
Sharing some of a previous post of mine, “Courage to Change the Things I Can,” first published in November 5, 2012,
For me, it took a jump start to break this concept into two – “Courage to change” separate from “the things I can.” And for that jump start, it was learning how the brain worked and understanding the brain disease of addiction and the brain impacts of alcohol abuse that had changed so many of my loved ones; it was learning how the changes in them had, in turn, changed me because of how I’d “learned” to cope. It was then that I could finally do the hard work that begins with “accept the things I cannot change” and finding the “wisdom to know the difference.” And it was then that I found Serenity, the power of my Higher Power and the “COURAGE to change the things I can” – namely, myself.
Learning and understanding that all of a person’s thoughts, behaviors and actions are governed by how their brains wire from birth and re-wire as they age had a profound impact on me. Understanding that this wiring, in turn, is dependent on outside influences – social environment, for example; inherited influences – genetics; developmental influences – abuse of or dependence on drugs or alcohol, childhood trauma, mental illness (either genetic or developed as a result of trauma), as examples. Not only that, but all of these influences in turn determine how a person interprets incoming and new influences going forward. NOW, that’s a whole lot of brain power over which I have absolutely NO control. And it was that knowledge that finally set me free.
Of course, it’s far from simple. Dang!
Yet it doesn’t have to be hard. Yay! … if we come to the place of acceptance for acceptance sake – nothing more – nothing less – just acceptance, which in my view means to let go (oh dear, there’s another, “yea right” concept) of the idea of anything being any different than it stands right now. THAT IS – anything from anyone else being any different than it stands right now.
My simple way to acceptance was to realize that the only person I could change was myself. All the others — all the other brains — I just had to accept – NOT LIKE — but accept. They were people with brains, thus they were behaviors, thoughts, words, over which I had absolutely no control. And it was that which gave me the power – the freedom – “to accept the things I cannot change,” “the courage to change the things I can” and “wisdom to know the difference.”
Embracing Acceptance to Aid in Recovery from Addiction or Secondhand drinking | Drugging
First things first:
Accept your loved one has the chronic, often relapsing, but treatable, brain disease of addiction and learn all that you can about the disease.
Accept that you’ve been affected by SHD (assuming you are the family member or friend of a loved one with a drinking or drug misuse problem) and learn what all that entails.
Accept that the only person you can change is you (thank goodness that’s all :)) and get to work on whatever that may look like for you.
To help with the above three, browse through some of the other posts in the blog categories, Addiction|Treatment|Recovery and/or Help for Families|Secondhand Drinking|Adverse Childhood Experiences(ACEs), for ideas.
And to keep you grounded in the idea of Acceptance – here are a few quotes (I love quotes) that you can write on sticky notes and post around your home, workplace or car to remind you that acceptance is… well, acceptance:
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” ~Michael J. Fox
“It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is.” ~Desiderius Eramus
“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” ~J.K. Rowling
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~Lao Tzu
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~Ann Landers
“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.” ~Andy Warhol
Lisa Frederiksen
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Your post is very interesting. Changing the usual is like hoping for the impossible. But sometimes we need to risk everything om something that we are unsure to succeed. But then again, we already fail from not even trying. 🙂
So true – thanks for stopping by!
Hi Lisa,
I love this post and this line – “My simple way to acceptance was to realize that the only person I could change was myself.” We cannot not change other people, only ourselves. When we are dealing with the addiction of a loved one, this is hard to accept. Certainly there are some things that we can try, but ultimately, the choice is not ours to make. Thanks for sharing this lovely post!
Thanks, Cathy! I’ll never forget when I FINALLY let that thought really settle in – “the only person I can change is myself” – it was such a foreign concept, as you well know. I appreciate your comment!
I think your sharing how you go to the point of acceptance is invaluable for people because as you say, all the talk about letting go etc actually seem ridiculous at first. And so having someone like you walk through it logically will help people make a lot more sense of it! Thanks Lisa….
Gosh I remember that talk about letting go – for me, my reaction was, “are you kidding – after all I’ve been through – I can’t just ‘let it go!'” I appreciate your comment, Leslie, and hearing that this post helps with that whole process.
Lisa,
My brain LIKES what you’re having…serving up here. Always a feeling of being perfectly “satiated” after your stone cold, perfectly next right thing (your post) to happen for me.
Can’t tell you how cool it is when you link the brain science with the AA or other addiction recovery wisdom tradition. Can’t imagine how many others you help by bridging some of these, “huh?” gaps. I love quotes too and as J.K Rowling points out, understanding is the first step…
Thanks, Lisa. Another breath of fresh neuroplasticity and pleasurable learning experience.
You are so welcome, Herby! Reading your enthusiasm for this reinforces why I love this new brain science so much! Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for your hard work and super insight, strategies and techniques, Lisa.
Yeah, no doubt – it’s a booger when someone represents as simple, something that’s incredibly challenging. However, still, very “doable.”
Acceptance! Substance issues, emotional/mental disorders – it’s everything when it comes to relief and healing. And you’re right – it doesn’t at all have to be difficult to embrace – if we approach it for its sake only. Very pure, for sure – in the moment, of course. And what more perfect foundation than to first come to know the only person one can change is her/himself?
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” Thank you, Michael J. (and Lisa)…
Bill
Thank YOU, Bill! I’m so glad the simplicity came through – even though implementation can be complex sometimes – especially with emotional reactions – so easy to get triggered in those old maps. At least with acceptance, I recognize it and get myself out far more quickly than back in the day! Thanks for the comment!
For me, acceptance was the key to getting help for my alcoholism. I had to accept that I had a problem, then accept the treatment. But as you highlight so well here Lisa, recovery means acceptance in the long-term.
Once you accept that addiction is a life long process, it is so much easier to commit to it.
I love your inclusion of the serenity prayer. It is so powerful and very helpful to hold on to in times of difficulty.
I so remember how daunting it felt to realize my secondhand drinking recovery would take years. But as you say, it’s that acceptance that brought peace and allowed me to find the joy in the moments of the day. Thanks for your comment.
Great article Lisa. Sometimes things are so simple they become complicated, or we make them complicated. K.I.S.S.
I love K.I.S.S. – thanks for the reminder and your comment, Qi!