Your loved one has finally decided (or was left with no other option than) to seek treatment for their alcohol or other drug use disorder. You’ve long wanted and fought hard for this. But instead of feeling confident that all will be well, you feel a tumult of emotions. And perhaps the voice screaming loudest is asking, “Now what do I do?”

Short answer.

What to do when your loved one is in treatment?

Help yourself. Seriously. Help yourself.

100 million Americans – 100 million! – are affected by a loved one’s alcohol or other drug use disorder, yet there is very little understood about what can be done to specifically help them. These are the moms, dads, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, grandparents raising their grandchildren, boyfriends, girlfriends, and close friends.

“But why in the world do they need help?” you might ask.  Because the impact on them of a loved one’s alcohol or other drug (AOD) use disorder is profound. And it’s primarily the result of the chronic stress they’ve been under in their battle to “help” their loved one stop. This kind of stress becomes toxic and toxic stress causes a host of physical and emotional health consequences. These include anxiety, depression, stomach problems, sleep problems, migraines, headaches, neck and shoulder tension/pain, inflammatory conditions, skin problems, to name a few. And it’s not just these physical and emotional health impacts – it’s the very quality of one’s life.

As a family member in long-term recovery from my own experiences with various loved one’s alcohol use disorders, my work is focused on helping the family reclaim their lives in the midst of their loved one’s substance misuse. One of the significant side benefits of the family getting help is their improved ability to better support their loved one seeking and succeeding in treatment and long term recovery.

And to get you started answering the question,

What To Do When Your Loved One is in Treatment

…I suggest getting an understanding of the following. Once I did, I could believe it wasn’t because they didn’t love me enough or want to change badly enough. It was because they didn’t know either. So I suggest you take this time to understand:

• the science behind the brain disease you’re dealing with — a brain disease called severe substance use disorder (SUD), commonly known as alcoholism or addiction
• the risk factors for developing it (genetics, childhood trauma, mental illness, early use and social environment)
• the characteristics of this particular brain disease, aka brain disorder (cravings, loss of control, physical dependence and tolerance)
• what it takes and roughly how long it takes to successfully treat it
• why some relapse (and it’s not because they didn’t want recovery badly enough)
• why they’ve lied, hidden bottles or other drugs and broken promises to stop or cut down
• why it’s taken them so long to even seek treatment
• why knowing basic brain facts (wiring, mapping and development) can help them understand how it happened and that they do have the power to change it — when they “re-wire” their brain.

And as importantly, take time to understand what’s happened to you and why it is you need your own help. Because truly — your life really can get better and you really can become that person you once were, again. You can also break the cycles for your children because it’s true, this is a family disease.

Where to Find the Information That Can Help You

Check out my latest book for information explaining alcohol use disorders and the family member’s experience and what can be done to change things. It is equally helpful to other drug use disorders, as well. Available at local bookstores, libraries, and online retailers, here are four: Amazon
Amazon Kindle
BarnesNoble
Amazon U.K.

In 2003, one of my loved ones entered a residential treatment program for alcoholism. It took time and a lot of push-back on my part to go along with the idea that I needed help. But I was also driven to make sense of why in the world I’d put up with nearly 40 years of coping with loved ones’ drinking problems.

It took a lot of digging back in 2003 and the years that followed. And it was the emerging brain research that really helped. What was still missing was the research that explained the family member’s experience. Yes it was known there was an impact, but what that impact was (toxic stress), and what could be done to change it (re-wire one’s brain), and what would happen to them if they didn’t do it was just emerging.

From that research, I wrote the first edition of the book, “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!,” published in 2008. But a decade later, there was still so much more to share.

So I wrote the 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!  released in November 2019 (paperback & eBook formats). Now this is not about selling books (FYI – my portion of the sale is only $1.32/book ). It’s about trying to give family members and friends the key information they need to change their lives. Information that helps them understand alcohol (or other drug use) use disorders, effective treatment, drinking patterns, toxic stress, the family member’s experience, brain rewiring for better health, techniques for staying sane in the midst of insane circumstances, etc. And it’s written with the layperson in mind. It’s the book I’d wished I could have found when I needed this kind of help.

As always, know you can send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to request a FREE phone, Skype, What’sApp, or Zoom call to talk about your specific situation. For those who want more after that initial phone call, I offer other family consulting services described here. And if you’re the person trying to figure out what to do about your substance use disorder, please know this book, free initial phone calls, and my consulting services can help you, as well.

Bottom Line

There is hope and there are answers. It is entirely possible to live a happy, content, joy-filled life, again.

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

• Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
• Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
• 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022