If you live with and/or love a person with the brain disease of addiction, you can probably relate to this poem I wrote several years ago. I know that until I finally understood addiction for what it is – a chronic, often relapsing brain disease, I never saw the real puppeteer pulling all of our strings – the disease, itself.

Master of Manipulation

The voice changes — soft, solicitous
The brows scrunch and the forehead creases,
Framing eyes that bore intensely into one’s own, as if to
Telepath sincere concern as the body pushes forward
Ever so slightly
And the hands compose themselves; one a
Repository for the chin, the other resting on the
Knee to exude concentration on par with
Rodin’s The Thinker.

And then come the words – soothing – oozing
Concern as they wrap themselves in probing questions,
Gentle explanations and believable excuses
That cause her to drop her guard and
Rush to their embrace with
An open mind and trusting heart,
And believe the sincerity that pours from
Every pore, Unaware the alcoholic’s
Truth is the Master of Manipulation,

Trained by the characteristics of his disease
To lie, to deny, to mince and to parcel
To tell the ‘Truth’ by omission 
To promise, to plead, to swear on all that is holy
That THIS r e a l l y is the last time;
Securing sanction for his unacceptable behaviors
No matter the cost to those he loves
As the last becomes the next, for
He, too, is Manipulated by the Master.

©Lisa Frederiksen

So What Can You Do About the Master of Manipulation – the Disease of Addiction?

For me, it was a four-fold approach and involved my:

• Understanding that Addiction is a Family Disease (check out Behind Every Alcoholic or Drug Addict is a Family Member or Two or Three…) and then accepting that I really needed help, too, because I’d developed some very unhealthy coping skills. Over the course of several years, this included intensive cognitive behavioral therapy with a therapist who specialized in the family side of the disease of addiction; active participation in Al-Anon, a 12-step program for families; activate participation in the family programs offered by the rehab program my loved one had selected and research… lots of research.
• Understanding that at the core of addiction is a person – a person who has a brain disease, which included findings and understandings such as those I share in this post, What’s at the Core of Addiction.
• Understanding Why Addicts | Alcoholics Lie, Cheat and Steal to and from those whom they love the most.
• Learning how to Forgive an Alcoholic and to Detach. Detach With Love.

I’m the first to admit this does take time and that time is not what you feel you have because you are so done, done, done with the nightmare (or you want to be). But just know that whatever you do – however small the step and however few steps you take – each one will take you in a new direction. As I finally came to think about it: what I’d been doing hadn’t worked or I still wouldn’t have kept finding myself manipulated by the master – the disease of addiction – even though I was not the one with the disease, itself.

But here’s the really good news – after more than 4 decades of being manipulated by the master, through my own recovery from what I call secondhand drinking (aka codependency), my life today is truly “beyond my wildest dreams,” as they say in the rooms. It can and does get better, “one day at a time.”

As always, feel free to call me at 650-362-3026 or email me at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com if you have specific questions. There is no charge for inquiry-type calls.

© 2014 Lisa Frederiksen

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

• Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
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