Toxic parents? Being raised by toxic parents can radically change a child’s brain wiring and mapping. Brain wiring and mapping is basically the process by which the brain “connects” its roughly 100 billion brain cells (neurons) from birth through early 20s. This process determines everything that child/adolescent/young adult/adult thinks, feels, says, and does, and it can be changed (rewired) at anytime, all the way through death.

One of the key influencers on a child’s brain wiring and mapping is their parents. Darlene Lancer, a frequent guest blogger on BreakingTheCycles.com, helps readers understand what “toxic parents” can do to a child’s sense of self as a result of how they parent during these key brain wiring and mapping years and how a person can protect themselves from their toxic parents going forward.

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com. This article is based on her original post appearing on her blog, titled, “How to Identify and Deal With Toxic Parents.”

Are Your Parents Toxic? – by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Toxic parents typically do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting. Toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.

Toxic Behavior

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.

1. Do they over-react, create a scene?
2. Do they use emotional blackmail?
3. Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
4. Do they try to control you? “My way or the highway.”
5. Do they criticize or compare you?
6. Do they listen to you with interest?
7. Do they manipulate, use guilt or play the victim?
8. Do they blame or attack you?
9. Do they take responsibility and apologize?
10. Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
11. Do they disregard your feelings and needs?
12. Do they envy or compete with you?

Detach from Toxic Parents

Detaching means not reacting, not taking things personally, nor feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs. It’s harder to not react to our parents than to our friends and partners, with whom we’re on more equal footing. (Read “Getting Triggered and What You Can Do.”) Even if you move as far away as you can, emotionally, you may still react and have trouble detaching.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries

Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold on to healthy behavior when we’re around our parents. Our boundaries were learned in our family. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Perhaps, you have a mom who calls every day or a sibling who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your new limits on your partner or therapist.

You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you’re unable to make verbally. Cut-offs may be necessary in very abusive environments. When you visit, pay attention to unspoken rules and the boundary and communication patterns. Try behaving in a way that’s different from the role you played growing up (see Codependency for Dummies). Remember that although you may feel like a child with your parents, you aren’t one. You’re now a powerful adult. You can leave unlike when you were a child.

Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call? Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking our using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.

Some Truths about Having Toxic Parents

Healing a relationship begins with you — your feelings and attitudes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*

1. Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
2. Cut-offs don’t heal. You need to do inner work.
3. You are not your parents.
4. You’re not the abusive things they say about you either. See “Codependency is Based on Fake Facts.”)
5. You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
6. Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice non-attachment. Get “14 Tips for Letting Go.”
7. You can’t change or rescue family members.
8. Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
9. Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
10. Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.

What You Can Do

Start therapy and attend CoDA, ACoA, or Al-Anon meetings. Learn to identify abuse and manipulation. Learn How to Raise Your Self-Esteem and heal shame and childhood trauma. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.) Have a support network, and become financially independent from your parents. Do the exercises in my ebook, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits and webinar, How to Be Assertive. With abusive and difficult parents, my ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People lays out particular and specific strategies for confronting bad behavior with highly defensive people.

©Darlene Lancer 2018

* Adapted from Codependency for Dummies 2^nd Ed. 2014, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.