Rituals of the Family Meal

By Lisa Frederiksen | 0

The following is a guest post by Diana “ATL” Winslow, MSW, ACSW, LCSW, in which she reminds us that the rituals surrounding the family meal can be healing for families. Diana is a blogger, writer and historian and is mostly known as a Mom and licensed mental health counselor in her native Oklahoma City. You may ontact Diana at cultivatehope@ymail.com.

You do know that cooking is a healing art for families. Literally, making arrangements to build personal rituals that include one another in our days is an everlasting expression of affection. Everything from food selection to preparation and of course sharing. Having multiple crossroads for shared, full meals can be a life changing process because it is a time to nourish, reintegrate self and interface in a meaningful way with others.

Click here to access Diana’s recipes for veggies and chicken on the grill.

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022

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For my son to hear [Lisa] was invaluable because now he knows I wasn’t a freak, just a desperate person trying to make sense of what was going on in my world/mind.

Spouse of an Alcoholic

The Sequoia Center is a chemical dependency treatment center located in Redwood City, Calif. In order to provide high quality treatment, education about the disease of addiction is crucial to clients and their families and friends. Lisa Frederiksen has provided lectures on the topic of the disease, it’s effects on the brain and lives of those involved, and with great acclaim from attendees. She has also given quality training on this subject to the staff of The Sequoia Center that enhanced the quality of treatment to our clients.

Renee Brown, M.A., LMFT, Clinical and Executive Director, The Sequoia Center

Review of Lisa’s book: Loved One In Treatment? Now What! A thoughtful, well-researched, and highly accessible review of the neurobiology of addiction. Lisa Frederiksen captures this exciting and developing field of science with clarity, compassion and hope.

Catherine M. Bitler, Ph.D., FACN

I have read and re-read your books often on my iPhone. They are a comfort during stressful times.

Joanna

I had no idea about secondhand drinking and the part about how toxic stress harms a person’s brain and physical health. It really made me think about how my drinking has hurt my family. The part about how a person can change how much they drink is really helpful.

Veteran Attending Lisa's "Secondhand Drinking...the Other Side of Alcohol Misuse" Presentation at Ft. Irwin

I had the opportunity to hear Lisa’s presentation on Second Hand Drinking (SHD) at the 2013 National Police Athletic League Conference. The concept of SHD was new to me, and her research educated and moved me personally. I knew excessive amounts of alcohol was harmful to self, but Lisa’s research on the set standard of an alcohol abuser and the negative impacts of SHD on family, friends and co-workers was a life changing moment for me. Knowing others could benefit from Lisa’s research, she will be presenting her research to KCPD employees and employees of surrounding law enforcement agencies. I highly recommend her research to everyone and any agency looking to address alcohol abuse and the negative effects of SHD.

Police Captain Attending Conference

August 18, 2021 Presentation title: “Understanding Brain Wiring, Mapping, Development & ACEs to Enhance Trauma-Informed Practices” – 150 attended.

“I have attended many ACE Study workshops, but your presentation had me sitting on the edge of my seat.”

“Thanks so much for this presentation on brain and ACEs. I truly enjoyed it.”

“I could stay in this session all day! Amazing tools [provided] to use in my profession.”

“This was great – the best ACE presentation I have ever attended.”

“Thank you for the years you have invested in your passion.”

Presentation qualified for continuing education credits for: CME, CNE, SW, CHES, CPH, LMFT, LPC, LicPsych, LCDC, CPS/CFP, Cert. Peer Sup.

Attendees of my Brain | ACEs Presentation for Texas Health & Human Services Institute

I love the reframing [of ‘codependency’ as ‘secondhand drinking’]!! The term “Codependent” can be difficult for people to grasp and accept. I know when I was first learning about codependence I was very resistant to the idea because it conjured up very “weak” images for me, and was very inconsistent with how I viewed myself.”

Ellen Sousares, Founder of Mother-of-a-Junkie.org

August 18, 2021 Presentation title: “When Drinking Causes Secondhand Harm to Others: Secondhand Drinking — It’s a Problem” – 220 attended.

“Good information and a truly good concept for thinking about the repercussions of excessive drinking.”

“Awesome presentation – thank you.”

“This shows how trauma leads to most medical, SUD and MH issues!”

This would make an awesome all day workshop – thank you for all the info.”

I LOVED THIS!!!

Presentation qualified for continuing education credits for: CME, CNE, SW, CHES, CPH, LMFT, LPC, LicPsych, LCDC, CPS/CFP, Cert. Peer Sup.

Attendees of my Secondhand Drinking Presentation for Texas Health & Human Services Institute

If you are one of the 91 million Americans affected by secondhand drinking, you need to read this book. Clear, concise and covering all the critical points, the “Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking,” by Lisa Frederiksen is THE handbook for anyone who loves an addict.

Just what is secondhand drinking? “If you are talking about someone’s drinking behaviors, SHD is a problem. If someone in your life is talking about someone’s drinking behaviors, SHD is a problem.” In other words, if you love someone (or love someone who loves someone) who is an addict, this book is for you. An indispensable guide for understanding the affects of dealing with SHD, the “Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking,” outlines not only the behaviors and the causes, but also how to cope, how to respond.

Know you cannot change a brain — therefore behaviors– of a person who is already showing drinking behaviors. The only thing you can do is to protect yourself.

This book helps you to do just that.

Sandy Swensen, Author of "The Joey Song"

—Cool! Wow! Amazing! At 6 years old, this is how I described my first experience on a “Slip N Slide.” This is as close as I can get to communicating my excitement with Lisa Frederiksen’s presentation on “Secondhand Drinking (SHD)—The Other Side Of Alcohol Misuse” in Houston this month. Lisa breaks down the vicious cycle of abuse, violence, and tragedy, which are all components of Secondhand Drinking. I am excited because Lisa identifies the suffering of family members who are directly affected by SHD, and then outlines a prevention strategy to inform, educate, and take a stand against dangerous drinking behaviors. How many of us have been affected by drunk drivers, for example? My cousin lost her life to one. It affected not only her through the tragic loss of life, but effects rippled through the family—mom, dad, and sister, whose lives will forever be changed. How many wives and children hide or become scarce when daddy is drinking? Lisa’s message is life-changing and life-affirming!

Jerry Winn, Executive Director, 3rd Day Treatment Center, College Station TX (June 12, 2015)

Your Website is so insightful, enlightening, frightening and so well researched.

Gordon S.

I just finished reading Lisa’s new book, “Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” and I have to say, it is a magnificent addition to the alcoholism literature bank! And the “Seven Myths That Can Kill” is brilliant. No where is there any compilation of information Lisa provides with these two publications. If you or a family member are in treatment, in- or outpatient, READ THESE BOOKS! I hope EVERY therapist reads them, not just those who work in the addictions field. Thank you Lisa for your work!

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

I’ve been through four treatment programs and this is the best lecture I’ve heard – for the first time I understand.

Recovering Alcoholic

This was the best lecture I’ve heard while I’ve been here. I don’t feel so scared; more like I’m going to make it. Thank you.

Recovering Alcoholic

Having a Master’s of Science degree in a counseling field that covers rehabilitation counseling, I was very impressed with Crossing the Line from Alcohol Use to Abuse to Dependence. By writing the material in such a concise manner and backing it up with resources, including a link to the author’s site, this book is the perfect tool for those who are in need of this information. Read More…

Paige Lovitt, BlogCritics.org Book Review on seattlepi.com

‘Loved One In Treatment? Now What!’ is an outstanding, fact-filled, clear, easy-to-read and understand book aimed at helping friends and family, as well as the medical community, comprehend and approach one of the most baffling conditions that we face today.

Stan Fishman, M.D., Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

You saved my life. Really. You saved my life.

Recovering Heroin Addict

An essential aspect in the treatment of addictive disorders is consideration of the needs of the family members, friends, co-workers, etc., who are directly and indirectly affected in a variety of ways. Having more resources available, such as a book on ‘Secondhand Drinking,’ would be beneficial both to the medical community and to those individuals affected.

Steven Kassels, M.D., Board Certified in Emergency Medicine and Addiction Medicine and Author of "Addiction on Trial"

Just reading through some of the website and I have to share with you that a huge weight has been lifted from my heart (or brain?). …My daughter is on day one of a 28 day rehab for opiate addiction. Ordered your book about “being in treatment, now what.” Had wondered what would happen after 28 days. She has too. Also, it had never entered my mind about healing our family or that we even needed it. My mother, sisters and I have been involved with raising her young daughter (almost 2 years old), worrying about my daughter, worrying about my granddaughter’s future – it really has impacted the family. We’ll be working on that. But sitting here at my desk, I feel… for the first time in over a year … hopeful.

First of all, Thank You

I can’t thank you enough. I learned so much. I can’t tell you how much this [lecture given to family members and clients] helped.

Family Member of an Addict in Treatment

… As you well know, people dealing with a mental illness are quite vulnerable to developing problems with substance abuse or addiction to either drugs, alcohol, or both. Your presentation helped our membership better understand how these substances initially help people feel ‘normal’, and how they use them in an attempt to lessen symptoms and self medicate. … Many people told me how much they appreciated your presentation and how you helped them to better comprehend the ways in which a mental illness can set one up for substance abuse or even addiction.

Margene Chmyz, NAMI - Santa Clara County, Program Chairperson

…I came across your website, and wanted to applaud you! You helped me understand addiction in such a way I didn’t receive in my classes. I am ordering your books and can’t wait to read them. Thanks for everything you did and are doing in the world of addiction.

Substance Abuse Counseling Student

I can’t thank you enough. I learned so much. I can’t tell you how much this helped.

Family Member of an Addict in Treatment

Lisa was absolutely amazing at our Health Education Teachers and Department Heads staff development day with health teachers in the district. We all learned so much about secondhand drinking. It’s great to be able to apply all our knowledge into the class this semester. Kudos to you for a great in-service. We all felt it was time and money well spent.

Barbara Beaumont, San Mateo Union High School District

Lisa Frederiksen’s engaging style and highly researched presentation held the attention of 1000 troops as she shared the new research and science on alcohol and the brain and how it is a person can lose control of their drinking. Her non-judgmental approach and enthusiasm for sharing this research put the audience at ease, which made them especially interested in what she had to say.

Gregory Pryor, Alcohol & Drug Control Officer for the Army Substance Abuse Program, Ft. Irwin National Training Center

In this author I met a woman who GETS IT. Most importantly, I learned I AM NOT CRAZY. The symptoms and situations described in this book are real and clearly written from first-hand experience. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she’d been sitting at my dining table watching us the past 20 years! I wish I’d had this book when I first started to realize my loved one was an addict/alcoholic. …

Amazon Review, "If You Loved Me, You'd Stop!"

I read your article. There are a lot of us “out here”. It hurts – but thanks for a thoughtful, well written article. The alone feeling is the worst, and you can’t tell others what is wrong. I thought it was hard when my husband had Stage 4 cancer, but it is very much worse seeing him now.

Blog Reader

I have spent some time on your website in the last couple of days. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your term Secondhand Drinking. …I so wish I had found you 12-15 years ago when I was so desperate for a voice, validation and direction. I just got your book, If you Loved Me You Would Stop, in the mail today and look forward to reading it.

S.P. - Spouse

Thank you for all the work you have done in educating families about this disease. Your work is helping to change my life and hopefully my family’s situation.

Spouse

I am new to your writing. I am becoming a fan quickly! I will read more on how you weave families into the process of recovery. Families are so often an after-thought. In my experience, the family is the number one vehicle to lasting change and stability. Thank you!

Todd Barlow, MS, RecoveryMapsInc

As a physician who is board certified in both Emergency Medicine and Addiction Medicine and the Medical Director for an out-patient addiction service I highly recommend “Quick Guide to Addiction Recovery“. The author does a great job of explaining that addiction is a disease of the brain, no different than how diabetes is a disease of the pancreas. How a person develops the disease, what it takes to treat and recover from the disease, as well as what family members can do to help themselves, and through that effort, better help their loved ones is well elucidated . It is a free flowing read with excellent resources linked throughout. I highly recommend it.

Steven Kassels, M.D.

It was great to hear addiction reframed as a brain disease in a way that could be understood. • I appreciated the alternate components we were offered. • I really enjoyed … learning about the concept of second hand drinking/drugging. • I thought the most valuable aspect of the workshop was reinforcing the fact that drug users are people first. Focusing not only on the addicted individual but on the family as well. • Lisa’s authentic delivery of content was excellent and very enthusiastic.

Attendees at 6.5 C.E. Unit Program

Thank you so much for writing this [Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking | A Phenomenon That Affects Millions]!!! I have seen the results of SHD in the parents and children I work with and with friends and relatives. This topic is just not talked about. It’s essential to get the word out that everyone suffers when the person they love or work with has an addiction. Let’s reduce shame for all, and look at ways to support the people who are suffering.

Rona Renner, R.N. | Author of "Is That Me Yelling?"

Found the concepts of Secondhand Drinking and Alcohol Misuse especially helpful. Good presentation – interactive.

Attendee - Santa Clara County Department of Alcohol and Drug Services’ Learning Institute

G. Tucker

Priceless; A Lifesaver!
Reviewed in the United States on March 6, 2021
Verified Purchase

This book contained so much helpful information, I was actually compelled to read it twice. It opened my eyes about so many things and helped me to create a plan of action and set boundaries. It brought into focus the damage my loved one’s drinking was causing me as well. Best of all, Lisa has an exhaustive list of resources and suggestions to help in navigating the path to sobriety. Highly, highly recommend this 10th Anniversary edition of her book. https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483

G. Tucker

Oh thank you, thank you. As I read your words I actually felt weight leave my body.I lost my beautiful 34 year old son 27 months ago to heroin overdose. I couldn’t begin to describe the pain I am in. It felt like a 14 year battle for his very life…and we lost. Thank you for your devotion to this destruction of family..life,” wrote a mother in her comment on this post… http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2017/09/14/cant-treat-cancer-30-days-think-treating-addiction-different/

Commenter on the blog post, We Can't Treat Cancer in 30 Days. Why Do We Think Treating Addiction is Any Different?

BreakingTheCycles.com is a great website for those of us in recovery to share with family and friends, and to pass along as a resource for the still suffering… Recovery is entering a brave new world! See below for a new FREE app! NowWeKnow – the official FREE app of BreakingTheCycles.com

Full Circle Recovery Cafe

I’ve been through four treatment programs and this is the best lecture I’ve heard – for the first time I understand.

Recovering Alcoholic

We had 162 attendees this year at the Houston Chapter—Texas Association of Addiction Professionals (TAAP) 43^rd Annual Spectrum Conference on Addiction Studies. Lisa’s keynote entitled: ‘ACEs [Adverse Childhood Experiences], Addiction & the Secondhand Drinking | Secondhand Drugging [SHD] Connection,’ got 5’s (highest rating) in all categories by almost everyone who submitted an evaluation on her presentation! Here are some of the written comments:

Lisa Frederiksen – very good, new concepts, effective presentation.

Saturday keynote – Excellent.

Lisa Frederiksen was outstanding.

I loved learning about SHD with Lisa!

Great brain information and information on ACE’s and SHD’s.

Lisa gave me the missing pieces of the puzzle that I knew always existed.

Saturday keynote was very interesting and easy to follow.

Sandy Olson, DrPH, CHES, CPS, LCDC, Executive Director – Coalition of Behavioral Health Services, and Continuing Education Chair for Spectrum 2016 Conference Committee

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Breaking the Cycles

Rituals of the Family Meal

Lisa Frederiksen

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