All most everybody worries about what will happen in the future. The prospect of not knowing if something good or bad will happen to you in the near future can produce a lot of fear and anxiety. As a result, here is a list of techniques and suggestions on how to manage this fear of dealing with the unknown.

Remember that no one can predict the future with one hundred percent certainty. Even if the thing that you are afraid of does happen there are circumstances and factors that you can’t predict which can be used to your advantage. For instance, let’s say at your place of work that you miss the deadline for a project you have been working on for the last few months. Everything you feared is coming true. Suddenly, your boss comes to your office and tells you that the deadline is extended and that he forgot to tell you the day before. This unknown factor changes everything. Remember that we may be ninety-nine percent correct in predicting the future, but all it takes is for that one percent to make a world of difference.

Learn to take it one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your problems. When the time comes, hopefully you will have learned the skills to deal with your situation.

Sometimes, we can get anxious over a task that we will have to perform in the near future. When this happens, visualize yourself doing the task in your mind. For instance, you and your team have to play in the championship volleyball game in front of a large group of people in the next few days. Before the big day comes, imagine yourself playing the game in your mind. Imagine that you’re playing in front of a large audience. By playing the game in your mind, you will be better prepared to perform for real when the time comes. Self-Visualization is a great way to reduce the fear and stress of a coming situation and increase your self-confidence.

Remember to take a deep breath and try to find something to do to get your mind off of you anxieties and stresses. A person could take a walk, listen to some music, read the newspaper, watch TV, play on the computer or do an activity that will give them a fresh perspective on things. This will distract you from your current worries.

A lot of times, our worrying can make the problem even worse. All the worrying in the world will not change anything. All you can do is to do your best each day, hope for the best, and when something does happen, take it in stride.  If you still have trouble managing your anxiety of the future, then talking to a counselor or clergyman can be of great help. There are ways to help manage your fear and all it takes is some effort to find those answers.

I think shame and a feeling of being bad or unacceptable come after learning we are separate.  We all have to learn this, like it or not. Then, if we are accepted in our separateness, we have a chance to not be filled with shame and a longing to be better in some vague way.  People who had miserable, abusive childhoods were obviously not given this and in fact are given multiple messages that they are bad.  That is the essence of shame, that we are somehow bad in a core kind of way. Yet, there are non-abusive homes in which the parents do not know how to let their children know that they are okay in their being different from them.  But some special parents do not need their children to be identical to them, to mirror how they wish they were.  My mother was such a person.  She never studied psychology but knew in her heart in a truly wise way.

I have early, preschool memories.  I always have.  I might have trouble remembering dates of everything important to me, or times, or names, but I remember some early things and I remember issues.  When I was very young, my mother didn’t work or drive and we would walk everywhere.  One day we walked to get ice cream cones, as was our custom.  My mother, ordering for us, asked for two vanilla cones.  I was very young.  I was gripped in an intense anxiety and asked her why she always got vanilla, as I burst out crying.  My heart was pounding and this was a significant development for me.  My mother, knowing what I was feeling, said, “Oh! I should have asked you.  Do you want something else?  Do you want chocolate?”  Crying, I said I  did.  My mother went on and said that we loved each other and that it was okay to not like the same things, that people can love each other a lot and like different things and that this had nothing to do with love.  She said she did not need me to like what she liked to know I loved her or to love me.  The anxiety started to leave me.  My mother then went on to say I was growing older and that she should have realized it was time to change the habit of just ordering for me.  She went on to say people were not good or bad because of a food preference.

A short time later we took a walk to the drugstore, back in the day when you could eat lunch there and have a fountain drink.  We lived in Jacksonville, Florida, at the time.  My mother ordered two hot dogs, and added “No mayonnaise.”  I asked her what mayonnaise was, and she said it was “the white stuff I use when I make tuna fish.”  I said I loved that, and she asked if I wanted it on mine.  At this place, they used to put everything on hot dogs – mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, and relish.  I told her I did want it, and it was fantastic!  I asked her if this was like the ice cream, and she laughed and said it was.  She said to always remind her of what I wanted, because she got used to my not knowing things and might forget and just order for me.  I was so happy because chocolate and mayonnaise entered my world, and more importantly, I was okay, and good, and free to explore my feelings and preferences without guilt or shame.  I have remembered this all my life and I am sixty now.

Several years ago I complimented my client Cindi’s hair.  It was short and spiky with a purplish streak, and she looked great and I loved it.  She burst out crying, and when I asked why, she said her mother never approved of her hair and she finally thought she may as well do it the way she wanted and have some fun with it, since she never liked it anyway.  But the act of freedom and trying to have some fun with her style was not what she had hoped.  She admitted to feeling bad and ugly and also guilty, and avoided seeing her mother.  I could give you hundreds of examples of people even in their 30s who had a hairstyle or other thing the mother didn’t like.  People oppose their parents and then think they are horrible people.  They go into therapy because they are in their 30s and can’t find what they want to do in life.  It’s no wonder!  They were not allowed to even be, let alone be someone with some self-expression. It is amazing the kinds of details that make people feel filled with shame and badness.

When I told Cindi what my mother had told me, she began to sob, and I told her my mother could share this with her as well.  Of course, we had more  work, but the goal of this work was to help her internalize what was so freely given to me at the time it needed to be.  Some people really feel they are bad people because they didn’t clean their apartment, wash their dishes, do laundry on schedule, watched television instead of learning something that evening. I could go on forever.  I finally came up with the phrase “morally neutral” for my clients, to refer to these things that are neither good nor bad.

As I have said, I have had my own path to walk and sometimes it has been very long, but that is not the purpose of this blog.  I have never doubted my essential goodness and decency as a person.  I have never measured myself or others by achievements. I have always known that I am not my achievements, my things, my likes and dislikes.  I had never thought about this until I met so very many people who did not get the gift I was given, and I have had the honor of working with so many with these issues.

For my mother’s birthday, I want to thank her, to let her know that this gift, in the context of ice cream and a hot dog, was one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child. I want her to know how her wisdom is freely given to those in need.  Until I worked with people therapeutically and saw how a majority had these painful issues of shame and not being good enough, I never knew I was rich.  I am sixty now and I put things together better than before, and when my mind tends to worry about different things or to feel bad about aspects of life that hurt, I remember that pearl sitting in my heart that my mother gave me – all the more valuable because she responded quickly and without intellectually knowing, just knowing.  I pray that my mother is with the angels in a wonderful place, soothing, healing, making people laugh, as she did in this life, and I thank her with all my heart.  I will always care about shame and related issues and reach out to help people, and I will never forget my brush  with those feelings.

For me, the lines that really resonated were, “All the little boy needed to calm down and handle his fear was validation. His feelings and observations were respected and fear and trauma were averted.” While this is so true for everyone, it is especially important in families with substance abuse, addiction and/or recovery.

Recently we attended a performance of kindergarten to third grade children who had attended an acting camp for a week. There were about a hundred family and friends waiting expectantly in the high school auditorium.

Just as the performance was about to begin, a 3 year-old boy sitting next to me, on his father’s lap, began crying, “It’s too loud. I want to leave. It’s too loud!” His father, trying to soothe him said, “There’s nothing to be afraid of. You’ll like the show. Your sister’s going to be in it.” The little boy became more and more frantic and tried to pull out of his father’s grasp. “It’s too loud! It’s just too loud!”

At that moment, the head of the acting program, a slim, athletic woman dressed in leotards, came off the stage and approached the little boy. “Is this too loud?” she asked, in a voice just above a whisper. The little boy nodded. The director whispered even softer, “Is this too loud?” The little boy shook his head. “This voice is okay, then?” she asked in a whisper. He nodded, transfixed by her smiling, calm face.

“Would you like to come and help me?” she whispered. The little boy nodded, took the director’s hand, and walked with her up on the stage. He then played the piano with her, started laughing, and was the absolute hit of the pre-show. Then he happily came back to his seat, and laughed and smiled throughout the entire performance.

All the little boy needed to calm down and handle his fear was validation. His feelings and observations were respected and fear and trauma were averted.

I sat in awe as this whole process unfolded. The director was just masterful — gentle, sweet and so effective. If only all our parents could have been this way… Thanks

I’m using this blog post to share a post I wrote for Decoder, The Partnership at DrugFree.org‘s parent-to-parent blog, “breaking down teen culture, substance abuse, and parenting.” I thought I’d quote the opening paragraphs here:

As I read the articles How to Land Your Kid in Therapy and What if the Secret to Success Is Failure I inwardly groaned.

I remember wanting to be “the good mom,” wanting to protect my daughters from making my mistakes. I remember charging through their lives as if I were their personal full back – pushing chores, adversity, negative experiences and disappointments aside, as well as being their personal administrative assistant so they would have the time to do the hours of homework, sports practice, volunteering and part-time jobs required to get into a “good” college.

In my defense and that of other parents my age, my daughters’ childhoods were far more complicated than anything I’d experienced as a kid. In my world, prepping for the S.A.T. exam meant finding a #2 pencil – not hours and hours of exam strategy instruction/tutoring and practice tests…

To read the remainder of the piece, click here…

Each September, thousands of treatment and recovery programs and services around the country celebrate their successes and share them with their neighbors, friends, and colleagues in an effort to educate the public about recovery, how it works, for whom, and why. There are millions of Americans whose lives have been transformed through recovery. These successes often go unnoticed by the broader population; therefore, Recovery Month provides a vehicle to celebrate these accomplishments.

Now in its 22nd year, National Recovery Month (September), sponsored by SAMHSA (Substance Abuse Mental Health Services Administration), highlights individuals who have reclaimed their lives and are living happy and healthy lives in long-term recovery and also honors the treatment and recovery service providers who make recovery possible. Recovery Month promotes the message that recovery in all its forms is possible and also encourages citizens to take action to help expand and improve the availability of effective recovery services for those in need.

You and your organization can get involved in the Recovery Month effort by clicking here to find a host of suggestions and support materials, logos, banners and the like.

You do know that cooking is a healing art for families. Literally, making arrangements to build personal rituals that include one another in our days is an everlasting expression of affection. Everything from food selection to preparation and of course sharing. Having multiple crossroads for shared, full meals can be a life changing process because it is a time to nourish, reintegrate self and interface in a meaningful way with others.

Click here to access Diana’s recipes for veggies and chicken on the grill.

Tim at Chooper’s Guide (a recovery resource portal for alcoholics and drug addicts by those who’ve been there and found their way out) told me about the National Alliance for Drug Endangered Children. It was formed to intervene on behalf of the innocent victims — the children – who are endangered by their parents’ or caregiver’s illicit drug use and/or drug manufacturing.

Children who live at or visit drug-production sites, for example, or are present during drug production face a variety of health and safety risks, including:

• inhalation, absorption, or ingestion of toxic chemicals, drugs, or contaminated foods that may result in nausea, chest pain, eye and tissue irritation, chemical burns, and death
• fires and explosions
• verbal, physical and emotional abuse
• neglect
• hazardous lifestyle (presence of booby traps, firearms, code violations, poor ventilation)

Around the country, Drug Endangered Children (DEC) programs have been developed to coordinate the efforts of law enforcement, medical services, and child welfare workers to prevent and intervene on behalf of children found in these environments and to ensure they receive appropriate attention and care when removed.

I urge you to explore the NADEC’s National Resource Center where you can learn about best practices, recent research, and training opportunities, and pose questions to our national experts in order to help these children — babies, toddlers, elementary school kids, teens – innocent children. Together we must do what we can to support, rescue, shelter, and defend them for they are unable to defend themselves.

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You may also wish to sign-up for the National DEC’s 2011 Conference, September 14-16, in National Harbor, MD. The 2011 conference, to be held in partnership Children and Family Futures, will focus on family-based models, the effects of health care reform, ensuring sustainability of effective programs in the midst of a changing fiscal climate, and the role of substance use disorders as a central issue in child protection and related child-serving agencies.

Pink hearts, latex balloons, red roses and cherub-covered candy boxes signal the season for lovers.  For those suffering the recent loss of a relationship February feels like the loneliest month of the year.  On television, happy beautiful people accept extravagant gifts with giant red bows and enormous shining smiles.  Everywhere you look you see beaming, cuddling couples with dopey looks on their faces.  Sometimes it hurts so badly to feel like the only one in the world who doesn’t have a mate.  You think, “Will I ever find love?  What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I find someone like that?”  You might get angry at others or dive into some serious self-criticism like, “I’m too old, grouchy, poor, fat, unattractive, neurotic, sensitive for love.”  If you’ve suffered a recent break-up you might hear his/her negative words echoing in your head, “You let yourself go.  You’re not fun anymore.  I found someone else.”  The numbing grief after a love dies can trigger thoughts like, “I’ll never love like that again.”

After the loss of a relationship we traverse a tricky period of grief.  Tears, anger, sadness, depression sometimes combine with restlessness, irritability or emotional deadness making us feel off-balance and alone.  This grief period varies significantly from person to person.  Some feel the loss of love in the chest, or other parts of the body.  The heart aches because our body senses the loss of affection and attention.  Like a drug addict suffering from withdrawal symptoms,  the loss of natural love chemicals in our brain, such as oxytocin, can make us feel physical pain.

When we hurt emotionally and physically we tend to isolate from others and conserve energy.  This tendency to isolate can feed the feeling of loneliness, making it last longer.  Using less energy prevents the production of pain-relieving brain chemicals, endorphins, that can help us feel stronger and happier.  If we stay isolated too long we can sink into a serious depression requiring counseling and sometimes medication.

After more than 25 years in the business of helping the lonely heal,  here are a few proven tips to help you mend your broken heart:

Supportive Self-Talk

Pay attention to how to talk to yourself.  After a loss we exaggerate the importance of things.  Instead of thinking, “I’ll never find someone who will love me.”  Say, “If I stay open to meeting new people, I will likely find someone to love.”  You’re not qualified to predict the future.  Logically, the more people you meet, the more likely you will meet your match.  Try these exercises to stimulate more hopeful, healthy self talk:

• Write a love letter to yourself. Cut it out and paste it onto red construction paper in the shape of a heart.  Post it where you can read it every day.  Start with this prompt:  Dear Self, The thing I love the most about you is…
• Make a collage that depicts your skills and what you esteem.  Are you a good plumber?  Put pictures of plumbing supplies.  Do you love to dance?  Paste images of dancers gliding across the floor.  Good sense of humor?  Paste pictures of your favorite comedians.
• Compliment  Brainstorm.  We all receive compliments from others.  Often we forget them.  Think back in your life and list as many compliments as you can recall.  “You’re really a fun guy.  You have great taste.  Thanks for being such a great friend.”

Love Your Body

Feelings follow behavior.  When we neglect our bodies we start to feel worthless.  If we invest effort in the care of the body we’ve been given, we start to feel better.  Instead of skipping dinner to curl up with a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Hubby or Jamaican Me Crazy, go to the market and buy fresh, wholesome ingredients for a healthy dinner.  Make something delicious and comforting, like Grandma used to make.  When you put effort in caring for yourself, feelings of self-worth follow.  Here’s a recipe for cold sesame chicken with noodles that I love.  You can freeze the leftovers and it’s really good warm too.  Don’t know how to cook?  Now is a good time to learn.  You can find free lessons on youtube on everything from grilling steak to roasting a turkey.  In addition to healthy food you can improve your mood by:

• Step-up your personal grooming.  Trim beard, clip and file nails, get a manicure/pedicure, keep hair neatly cut, and your clothes cleaned and pressed.  When you invest time into grooming you feel more confident and better prepared to meet new people.
• Move your body.  Even suffering from the fatigue of grief, you can perform light exercise like walking, gardening or riding a bicycle.  Exercise  improves brain functioning, reduces the negative effects of emotional distress and boosts mood.
• Medical and dental check-ups.  Get a physical exam,  regular dental cleaning and check-up.  This self-care gives your body the message that you really matter.
• Meditate. Sitting quietly in meditation helps calm the worried mind.  Check out this Wonderful Moment meditation and Ease Your Worried Mind.

Meaning in the Madness

Sometimes life seems like a crazy ride through a bad horror movie.  We feel stripped of hope and optimism.  During times like these we need to find attachments that give our life meaning.  Is there a larger issue, organization, community that you care about?  Can you connect with other lonely individuals in search of companionship?  If you feel so lost that you don’t even know what you care about JUST PICK SOMETHING:

• Explore a bookstore, community center, church or social club.
• Look  for volunteer opportunities.  Do something to help others.  These behaviors help you get involved with life again.
• Try something new.  Novelty stimulates the mind, makes us feel happier, promotes energy.
• Keep a journal.  Title it Lessons Learned. Fill it with important things you’ve learned about life and people.

Remind yourself that everyone must go through seasons of loss in life.  Like all seasons, this one will pass.  If  your tree looks bare and your heart feels icy cold, remember the pending warmth of spring.   Soon you’ll notice fresh buds of growth and the sweet promise of new love.

Photo courtesy of globaldyn.ipnstock.com.

April is National Alcohol Awareness Month. SAMHSA – sponsor of this annual celebration – provides a wide-variety of materials that can be used to enhance your organization’s efforts. They are grouped by category and listed and linked below — thank you SAMHSA!

You may place your order online or by telephone at 1-877-SAMHSA-7 (726-4727), listing the materials you are requesting, the quantity desired, and your contact and shipping information.

Alcohol Material for Families and Educators

1.       What is Substance Abuse Treatment? A Booklet for Families http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA08-4126

2.       Surgeon General’s Call To Action To Prevent And Reduce Underage Drinking A Guide to Action for Educators http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SGCTA-ED-07

3.       Faces of Change: Do I Have a Problem with Alcohol or Drugs? http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA08-4174

4.       2008 Town Hall Meetings: Mobilizing Communities to Prevent and Reduce Underage Alcohol Use Evaluation Report http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA09-4448

5.       Alcohol and Drug Addiction Happens in the Best of Families http://store.samhsa.gov/product/PHD1112

6.       Reach Out Now Kit: Poster/Teaching Guide with Bonus pages; Help Prevent Underage Alcohol Use Grades 5-6 http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA09-4406

7.       Too Smart to Start: Ready, Set, Listen Game DVD http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA09-4469

8.       Too Smart to Start: Ready, Set, Listen Game DVD Spanish Version http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA09-4470

9.       2008 Town Hall Meetings: Mobilizing Communities to Prevent and Reduce Underage Alcohol Use http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA09-4447

Alcohol Material for Teens

1.    Above the Influence posters http://store.samhsa.gov/product/ATI-3POS08

2.    It Feels So Bad http://store.samhsa.gov/product/PHD1111

3.    Underage Drinking: Myths vs. Facts http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA08-4299

Alcohol Material for Older Adults

1.    Aging, Medicines, and Alcohol (Based on TIP 26, Substance Abuse Among Older Adults) http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA08-3619

2.    Older Adults and Substance Use Disorders: A Guide to Recovery from Misuse, Dependency and Addiction Problems http://store.samhsa.gov/product/PHD1079

Alcohol Related Statistics

1.    NSDUH Report: Risk and Protective Factors for Substance Use among American Indian or Alaska Native Youths (September 24, 2004) http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SR040

2.    Results from the 2008 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: National Findings (H-36) http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA09-4434

3.    NSDUH Report: Mother’s Serious Mental Illness and Substance Use Among Youths (May 13, 2005) http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SR069

4.    NSDUH Report: Substance Use During Pregnancy: 2002 and 2003 Update (June 2, 2005) http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SR072

5.    The TEDS Report July 31,2008 Frequency of Use among Alcohol-Only Treatment Admissions:2006 http://store.samhsa.gov/product/TEDS08-0731

6.    The NSDUH Report January 5,2007: Substance Use in the 15 Largest Metropolitan Statistical Areas: 2002-2005 http://store.samhsa.gov/product/NSDUH07-0105

7.    Results from the 2005 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH): National Findings http://store.samhsa.gov/product/BKOAS33

8.    State Estimates of Substance Use From 2004-2005 National Surveys on Drug Use and Health (H-31) http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA07-4235

9.    The TEDS Report November 5, 2009: Female Substance Abuse Treatment Admissions aged 12 to 17 http://store.samhsa.gov/product/TEDS09-1105

FASD Material

1.    Partnership to Prevent Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Public Education Program Manual http://store.samhsa.gov/product/MS957

2.    What You Need to Know: The Physical Effects of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA07-4255

3.    What You Need to Know: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Among Native Americans http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4245

4.    What You Need to Know: FASD and Juvenile Justice: How Professionals Can Make A Difference http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4240

5.    Alcohol Can Harm the Way Your Baby Learns and Behaves http://store.samhsa.gov/product/AV245

6.    What You Need to Know: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders By The Numbers http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4236

7.    My Sibling Has a Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Can I Catch it? http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4247

8.    What You Need to Know: Effects of Alcohol On Women http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4244

9.    What Do I Do? Helping Your Kids Understand Their Sibling’s Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4246

10. What You Need to Know: Adopting and Fostering Children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA07-4254

11. What You Need to Know: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders: When Your Child Faces the Juvenile Justice System http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4241

12. What You Need to Know: Preventing FASD: Healthy Women, Healthy Babies http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA07-4253

13. What You Need to Know: Effects of Alcohol on a Fetus http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA07-4275

14. What You Need to Know: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders and the Criminal Justice System http://store.samhsa.gov/product/SMA06-4238

15. Be the Best Mom You Can Be (brochure) http://store.samhsa.gov/product/PH408