Take a Stand Against Secondhand Drinking – Why Don’t We
Take a stand against secondhand drinking – now that would be a switch!
Time and again – I mean TIME and AGAIN – I meet family members and friends who are afraid to complain about their loved one’s drinking for any number of reasons:
– she’ll think I’m calling her an alcoholic
– he’s not always like that – he’d just had too much to drink
– it was my fault he got so angry, I shouldn’t have said what I did once he’d started drinking
– he’s not mean – yes he passes out most nights so we don’t do much ever, but he’s not mean
….and on it goes.
There is so much worry and concern about the feelings of the person drinking too much that little thought is given to the fall-out for those on the receiving end of the behaviors that person engages in when s/he drinks. But think about it, if a person were consuming six glasses of water, there would be no behavioral changes, right? The only thing that’s causing the behavioral changes just described is alcohol changing brain function. That’s it. There’s no other reason, excuse or rational. Drinking behaviors are the issue – not how much nor how often, not whether it’s alcohol abuse or alcoholism.
So we need to change the conversation. Instead of talking about the drinking, we need to focus on the behaviors – the drinking behaviors – the secondhand drinking. Because that’s the real issue – whether those behaviors are the consequence of a one-night binge or years of heavy week-end drinking or the disease of alcoholism.
Secondhand drinking is term to describe the impacts on the person who is on the receiving end of another person’s drinking behaviors. (See related post, Secondhand Drinking, Secondhand Drugging (SHD).) Drinking behaviors include:
- drunken arguments
- crazy, convoluted accusations
- verbal, physical or emotional abuse
- driving while impaired, riding in a car with an impaired driver
- unprotected, unwanted, unplanned sex, sexual assault
- blackouts.
So why is it so difficult to take a stand?
To answer this question, I’d like to share information I’d originally shared in a post published January 20, 2013, titled, “Intervening When a Loved One Drinks Too Much | Common Reasons Most People Don’t.”
Taking a stand against secondhand drinking might be easier when we understand it’s caused by brain changes caused by drinking. Comparing the two brain scans above – what appear to be holes in the top down SPECT scan on the left and the bottom up SPECT scan on the right are actually areas of low blood flow and therefore low brain activity. These brain changes caused by alcohol “sitting” in the brain while it waits to be metabolized by the liver (see blog post link below) are what cause a person to engage in drinking behaviors. SPECT Surface Scans Courtesy Amen Clinics, www.amenclinics.com
Intervening when a loved one drinks too much [i.e., taking a stand against secondhand drinking] is a difficult call to make. It’s fraught with feelings of betraying a loved one, of wanting to believe it’s really not as bad as it is or wanting to believe that this time really will be different.
Understanding three common reasons people are afraid to intervene can help change the conversations for a better outcome – namely a stop to the drinking behaviors, a stop to secondhand drinking.
Not Knowing How To Effectively Express Concern
Although horrific things can happen in just one instance of secondhand drinking – being injured by a drunk driver or sexually assaulted by a drunk co-worker, for example, most people start thinking about intervening with a friend or loved one’s drinking when it’s ongoing. For example, if a loved one is breaking promises about how much they’ll drink next time or hiding bottles of alcohol or trying to blame you as the cause of their problems, you are right to be concerned. Hiding bottles of alcohol, for example, is definitely a sign of someone who is losing (or has lost) control of their drinking. But to restate – it doesn’t have to be this drastic to be a problem. It’s a problem when the drinking behaviors get in the way of the relationship or the quality of your life.
However, it is not helpful to confront your loved one until you have more information so that you are more equipped to counter the arguments or cover-ups he or she will likely offer. To help make your exchanges more effective, because most people I work with want “proof” or some sort of back-up to support their concern and reasons for intervening, I suggest you browse through the remaining two reasons to get clear on what you want to say.
And in that clarity, remember to phrase your concerns in terms of drinking behaviors – not how much nor how often they drink – rather in terms of the impacts of their drinking behaviors on you.
Additionally, never talk to your loved one while they’re exhibiting drinking behaviors – they’ve already had too much to drink, which means normal brain function (thus normal behaviors) is/are compromised, and thus they are incapable of rational thought. So wait until your loved one is sober and then ask to talk to him/her. Explain that you are deeply concerned about the way their behavior changes when they drink. Explain that it’s because you love them (or care about them) that you decided to learn more about what happens when a person drinks too much. Ask him/her to review the same information you’ve reviewed and then invite him/her to have another conversation about what you’ve both learned.
Not Understanding the Common “Things” People Who Repeatedly Cause Secondhand Drinking Often Do to Keep People From Helping
Two of the most common are denial and through the denial, plausible excuses. From there, the person goes on the offensive – turning the tables, if you will, so that the family member or friend becomes defensive. This is where a family member/friend understanding normal, abusive and dependent drinking patterns can become better able at stating the facts and not backing down or getting side-tracked from their (the family member/friend) setting healthy boundaries. To that end, here are a few resources:
- How Much Is Too Much? “At-Risk” Drinking Explained (10 minute video)
- Alcoholism is a Disease and It’s Not Alcohol Abuse (10 minute video)
- Understand How the Body Processes Alcohol: Prevent Secondhand Drinking (blog post)
- The Addiction Project (online resource created by NIDA, NIAAA, The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and HBO
- Crossing The Line From Alcohol Use to Abuse to Dependence (eBook)
- NIAAA’s Rethinking Drinking (website)
Fear of the Label, “Alcoholic,” and Not Understanding Alcoholism is a Progressive Disease
Fear of the label, “alcoholic,” is a big one because most people – the drinker and those in their family or circle of friends – still view it as caused by a shameful lack of willpower. Here are the facts.
Alcoholism is one of the diseases of addiction. Addiction is a chronic, often relapsing – but treatable – brain disease. Everything about our body — what we can see and what we cannot see — is made up of cells. Diseases change cells in our body — that’s what makes a disease a disease. A disease might change cells in body organs (like the heart or liver or eyes) or in body organ systems (meaning several organs working together), like metabolism or cardiovascular. For example, the disease of breast cancer attacks cells in the breast and the disease of diabetes, attacks cells in the metabolism system. The disease of addiction changes cells in the brain, which helps to explain why addiction is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease. Addiction also often changes cells in several other body organs, as well, such as the liver, heart and kidney.
But it is the brain changes that are most important to understand because it is the brain changes that cause a person to behave differently (drinking behaviors). In the case of alcoholism, it is the brain changes that will cause a person to lie, cheat, steal, break promises and relapse. Alcoholism (one of the diseases of addiction) is a powerful brain disease. Not only that, but alcoholism is a developmental disease (thus intervention is actually doing your loved one a huge favor). The disease of alcoholism always starts with alcohol abuse, which is what chemically and structurally changes the brain and makes a person’s brain more susceptible to the five key risk factors for developing the disease. Stopping the progression from alcohol abuse to alcoholism (aka alcohol dependence) will also stop the repeatedly resulting secondhand drinking – the impacts on you.
And one last point, you do not have to attach a label. Period. Check out this related post, “Do You Have to Call Yourself an Alcoholic.”
As you learn more about the impact of alcohol on brain function, you will become better equipped to take an effective stand against secondhand drinking. Always feel free to email me with further questions at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com or call me at 650-362-3026.
Lisa Frederiksen
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Great article – very helpful! I will be forwarding this and perhaps sending your book to members of my family. Thank you
That’d be wonderful – thank you, Diane and thanks for letting me know you found it helpful! I just skimmed your website and would love if you’d write a guest post for this blog if you’re interested. Let’s connect via email lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com.