Family Law Discrimination Against Recovering Alcoholics | Addicts

Family law discrimination against recovering alcoholics | addicts is pervasive, mostly because family law attorneys, judges and the clients themselves do not understand addiction (to alcohol or drugs) for what it is – a chronic, but TREATABLE, brain disease, nor do they understand addiction recovery. And so they see the person – the addict | alcoholic – as their active disease, rather than a person with a treatable disease, for which they are in active recovery. As such, they still associate that individual’s pre-recovery, pre-treatment behaviors as intentional, rather than an outcome of the chemical and structural brain changes associated with the brain disease of addiction.

This is totally understandable.

For until you understand the disease, you can only assume the person who is abusing drugs or alcohol does not have the willpower, the love for their family members, the integrity or the whatever else you consider to be their underlying reason for not changing, thus you have no reason to trust their recovery because it makes no sense the person didn’t do this “recovery thing” before the marriage fell apart.

And, here’s another wrinkle.

If you do not understand the disease of addiction, it’s unlikely you understand secondhand drinking and therefore the contribution of the non-addict | alcoholic spouse to the “muck of it all.” If the person on “that side” of this family disease treat the secondhand drinking impacts they’ve experienced, it’s doubtful they’ll ever be able to appreciate that addiction recovery is real, it works and it can be trusted (or if not trusted, then addressed through stipulations for outcomes if relapse occurs).

Why I Am Writing About This

Lisa Frederiksen Shares What Family Law Attorneys & Judges Need to Know When Substance Misuse or Secondhand Drinking are present

Family Law Discrimination is pervasive – mostly because all concerned do not understand the disease of addiction nor the truth of addiction recovery.

Decades ago, I was the mother of two and divorcing an alcoholic who was not in recovery. I was desperate to keep my daughters safe but had no tools, and as you can imagine back then – neither I nor the family law process had any understanding of alcoholism as a brain disease. That’s because there was none. So how was I to agree to custody arrangements that put my daughters at risk? And what kind of damage to my daughters was this conflict causing because no matter what, he was their father, and there was no way they could wrap their little minds around what I’d failed to pound into submission (his drinking). Granted, I’m talking about someone not in recovery, but had he been, I’m sure I would have been just as fearful because I would have been stuck in the “what if _________” tapes I’d played for so long. I would have played those tapes over and over because I’d had no recovery for my secondhand drinking impacts.  Once I’ve learned what I now know, I had to share it in a way that could affect real change.

One way was to become an approved Substance Abuse | Mental Illness MCLE (continuing eduction) provider for the California Bar Association. In that capacity, I present to and work independently with family law attorneys, sharing with them the 21st century brain and addiction-related research to help them understand the complexities of addiction, secondhand drinking, treatment and recovery in order to better serve their clients.

I am passionate about this because it is critical to the ability to create effective custody arrangements for the children’s sake. It is one scenario when there is no recovery, but when there is, it’s an entirely different situation. But it’s a situation that gets clouded by our societal views and lack of understanding that this brain disease can successfully be treated. So we hang onto old experiences and assumptions and often punish the recovering alcoholic | addict in the process, which in turn hurts the children.

Let’s face it, we would not prevent a person in recovery from cancer from enjoying a respectful, meaningful, equally shared post-divorce relationship with their children, nor do we do that with a person who has is managing their HIV, heart disease or diabetes. This is because we understand those diseases; they are not shrouded in secrecy, shame and misinformation. Thus those involved in a family law proceeding with those individuals actually see the individual as separate from their disease and applaud their recovery as commendable and something to be honored and supported.

With addiction, however, we often misguidedly force the children to suffer as both parties thrash out the hurt they’ve experienced as a consequence of not understanding addiction, secondhand drinking, treatment and recovery. And often the tragic outcome is the children suffer what are now called Adverse Childhood Consequences (ACEs), which in turn sets them up to suffer a host of unhealthy outcomes – including the development of a substance abuse problem, themselves.

What Can Be Done to End Family Law Discrimination Against Recovering Alcoholics | Addicts

Given there is no way to provide the depth of coverage an answer to this complex question deserves, I’ve chosen to highlight three key areas that if understood can go a long way towards raising awareness about, and from there hopefully making inroads to ending, family law discrimination against recovering alcoholics | addicts.

Understand the disease of addiction and the crippling stigma and shame that surrounds it

For this, I suggest the following:

The Addiction Project, a collaboration of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and HBO. There is a GREAT deal on this website – how a person develops the disease, how drugs or alcohol hijack the brain, what effective treatment looks like, and more.

Shatter the Shame of Addiction, a blog post highlighting the critical information all must understand in order to get past the stigma and shame.

Alcoholism is a Disease and It’s Not Alcoholism, a short video explaining the difference between alcohol abuse and alcoholism – they are not one in the same.

The U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Alcohol, Drugs, and HealthThis was just issued November 17, 2016, and goes a long way to debunking common myths about addiction, treatment, and recovery.

NIDA’s “Principles of Effective Treatment” helps all concerned understand what is considered effective treatment, which can then be used as a benchmark for assessing a person’s treatment and recovery.

Understand Secondhand Drinking – What Happens to Family Members

For this, I suggest the following:

Secondhand Drinking | Secondhand Drugging, a blog post explaining these concepts – namely the impact of a person’s drinking or drugging behaviors on others.

Behind Every Alcoholic or Drug Addict is a Family Member or Two or Three… , a blog post highlighting how far the impacts of addiction reach beyond the recovering addict | alcoholic.

“The Dance” of the Family Disease of Addiction, a blog post explaining the family disease of addiction.

Understand addiction recovery is real and it happens all the time

This brain disease can be successfully treated and people can live happy, healthy, productive lives in recovery.  To learn more about people who are doing this, today, check out:

Rehab – What More Could You Want?, a blog post explaining a bit about addiction treatment and recovery, and the following websites and post that put a face to recovery:

Faces and Voices of Recovery

Faces of Recovery

Do What You Can To Help Stop Family Law Discrimination Against Recovering Alcoholics | Addicts

The Addiction Project shares five things we all need to know about “Fighting Discrimination Against People in Recovery from Alcoholism and Drug Addiction.” While not specific to family law, it reminds us that people in recovery from addiction – a health issue – have rights and recourses if they feel they’ve experienced discrimination.

And lastly, please share this post with anyone you may know in the throws of a divorce where addiction recovery is an issue, as well as family law attorneys and family law judges you may know. Working together, we can do our part to end this sort of discrimination – not only for the sake of the recovering addict | alcoholic but for their children’s sake, as well.

©2013 Lisa Frederiksen. Rev. November 2016

Lisa Frederiksen

Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com
Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.
Share This

72 Comments

  1. Kyczy Hawk on July 8, 2013 at 7:45 am

    This is a full bodies article outlining the issues and way to address and redress the problem. Lisa again you have thoroughly explained the issue and the challenges. Rather than leaving the reader overwhelmed you have given resources to further understand this and to guide healing. You are amazing.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 8:23 am

      Thanks so much, Kyczy. It’s great to hear it wasn’t too overwhelming!!

  2. Anne Allen on July 8, 2013 at 10:56 am

    This was a really great read. Thank you for the insight and info-very helpful.

  3. MarVeena on July 8, 2013 at 11:32 am

    A deep subject. When I look at it from a spirit point of view I believe the kids came into the family knowing the possible alcoholic tendencies and potential problems. So I know there were Karmic contracts being worked out by all parties. I just pray that people in these situation can step up into the highest aspect of their soul possible.
    Thank you for sharing!

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 5:31 pm

      I have never really explored your area of expertise, MarVeena, so very much appreciate you sharing your insights.

  4. Alexandra McAllister on July 8, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Thank you so much Lisa for the detailed information. It is really well done and packed with value. God bless you for all the help you provide.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 5:32 pm

      Thank you, Alexandra – I really appreciate your continued, positive, encouraging affirmations for my work.

  5. Norma Doiron@Start, Grow & Strenghten Your Business ONLINE on July 8, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Certainly a valid thing to be worried about. Putting our children’s safety is always a priority for sure. So many problems arise from the original… not easy solutions for sure. Great post.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 5:34 pm

      It’s truly an interrelated, complicated, repeating cycle because, as you say, so many problems arise from the original. Thanks for reading and adding your comment, Norma!

    • Denise K. on December 20, 2019 at 5:32 am

      An alcoholic does not happen overnight. Alcohol is a controlled substance. Adults who become alcoholics are very aware when drinking alcohol is getting out of control. They overlook warning signs and then it becomes a disease. I disagree with your perception.

  6. Cathy Taughinbaugh on July 8, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Hi Lisa,

    Wonderful post. There is generally so much misunderstanding about addiction and recovery and the misguided concepts spill over to every area of life. With children involved it creates much more of a challenge when the parent is the one with the disease. You do want to be fair to all concerned, but you also want to create a harm free environment for the children as well. Thanks for all that you are doing. It makes such a difference and enlightens people on their options.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 5:35 pm

      Thank you, Cathy… let’s hope that the new research you and I both understand and share will help break some of these cycles. Appreciate your comment!

  7. Lisa Knudson on July 8, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    What a wealth of information! I am “saving” this post for future reference. Bravo…once again! Thank you Lisa. 🙂

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 5:36 pm

      Terrific – glad to hear it’ll help you with future reference information! Thanks for your comment, Lisa!

  8. Shelley Webb on July 8, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    I think that one of the biggest problems is the word “recovering”. People don’t assimilate THAT word; they hear alcoholic or addict. There must be a time when a person can be considered recovered.

    After all, if I make a mistake… and then make another one the following week, am I a recovering mistake maker? And yes, I’m aware that is not an addiction, but there are so many things being labeled as addictions lately, mistake-maker will probably be included soon enough.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 5:38 pm

      I agree, Shelley, one of the biggest problems is that people do not understand what recovery from addiction “looks” like and so they continue to dismiss someone who calls themselves an alcoholic – even though they are an alcoholic in recovery! It’s complicated, to be sure. Thanks for your comment.

  9. Tom Holmberg on July 8, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Thanks for a great article Lisa. It was pretty interesting to read about this type of discrimination. Great work

  10. Leslie Ferris on July 8, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    Hi Lisa, you so eloquently describe yet another way that our lack of understanding of addiction and recovery messes things up. So glad you are helping to educate through the California Bar Association. Now how do we reach the rest of the states? And while we are working with the family lawyers, let’s include the lawyers for schools too. It is pretty rough business for kids coming back out of treatment to get a far shot at getting back into school sometimes, depending upon the situation. Several times I have seen fear and lack of understanding drive school’s decisions that ultimately wind up hurting the child and family – who have been through enough already. Thank you Lisa again for another great post!

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 8, 2013 at 9:05 pm

      Oh my gosh, Leslie – I hadn’t thought of that, but of course that would happen to kids returning to school after treatment. Thank you SO MUCH for raising this awareness as I know you work with these kids and their families. Hopefully anyone reading your comment who is in a position to help or to be of influence will get in touch with you at Leslie@phase2foryou.com for further information and guidance.

  11. Kathy Robinson on July 8, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    I hadn’t realized that the family court did this. I have a friend who is going through rehab at the moment and hadn’t given his family situation a thought. There is some serious reading for me here. Thank you.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 9, 2013 at 7:58 am

      I’m so glad this may be of help to your friend and his situation. Thanks for your comment, Kathy.

  12. Vatsala Shukla on July 8, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    A very informative post and one that got me thinking. The brain and its chemical reactions are not really understood by laypeople until they are faced with the problems that you have described. I am glad that you are sensitizing the California Bar Association. More power to your efforts. A journey of a thousand miles begins with 1 step.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 9, 2013 at 8:01 am

      You are so right, Vatsala – laypeople (and those is policy or enforcement positions) are generally not aware of this new brain research. Hopefully as this information becomes more mainstream, we can make some of the significant changes in prevention, intervention and socialization protocols. Thanks for your comment!

  13. Burton on July 9, 2013 at 3:11 am

    Great Article. I have had a lot of experience with this issue. I liked that you mentioned that people can change. When they decide to quit, what comes out of it can sometimes be someone who is a lot stronger than before. Thank you for all the helpful info.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 9, 2013 at 8:03 am

      You are so right, Burton – when an addict | alcoholic decides to quit, the person they are and that emerges from their struggle with addiction is absolutely amazing. It’s estimated there are 23 million people living in recovery – a figure we rarely hear about. Thanks for your comment.

  14. Marie Leslie on July 9, 2013 at 6:48 am

    Wow. I learn so much from all of your posts. And mostly, I think I re-learn every time how thankful I am that I do not have to go through these situations and how thankful I am to have made the decision, as a child, not to ever partake of a substance that could lead to an addiction.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 9, 2013 at 8:21 am

      Wow – that’s wonderful, Marie, that you knew as a child the decision that was right for you and that you stuck with it and didn’t give into peer pressure, etc. It’s stunning how many intertwined outcomes result from a person’s alcohol | drug misuse and the coping patterns another adopts to deal with the secondhand drinking | drugging that causes. I very much appreciate your comment.

  15. MamaRed on July 9, 2013 at 7:33 am

    What an amazing and in depth article about the discrimination inherent in not understanding the truth behind the addiction. My family has felt the effects of an alcoholic family member and the after effects of his subsequent suicide. Plus my former spouse has paid a big price (as have I to be honest) for the alcoholic behavior of his parents. This is an insidious and ever-so-painful disease and I’m so glad you’re using your own experiences and increased wisdom to make a difference for so many.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 9, 2013 at 8:24 am

      Thank you so much, MamaRed, and thank you for sharing your experiences with loved ones’ experiences with alcoholism. I know from the feedback I regularly receive that it’s knowing others have had experiences similar to theirs that gives people the hope to find their way out or through.

  16. Martha Giffen on July 9, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Great information and slant on this problem. So sad that the courts and attorneys forget about the best interest of the child. Here’s another interesting fact. Attorneys are always at the top of the list for professions that have an unusually high rate of alcoholism. Maybe the turning of the head has become a natural reflex for them . . .

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 9, 2013 at 1:59 pm

      It seems to be a natural reflex for most people who not only have alcoholism but abuse alcohol, I’m afraid. Not only that, but it also seems to be a natural reflex for others in their sphere of influence – the old denial or justification that everyone does it once in a while, sort of thing. Thanks so much for your comment, Martha!

  17. Daniele Holmberg on July 9, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    Great insight about addiction in the eyes of the law. This is an important topic you bring up as this a very relevant issue in our current society and people need help with this mental illness called addiction, not to have less opportunities because of it.

  18. Moira Hutchison on July 10, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Thanks so much for this educational and thought provoking article Lisa. I am saddened by the idea of discrimination in any format but people who are working on recovery should be given support. In my hypnosis practice I often work through issues of abandonment and what you’ve written here really puts that into perspective.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 10, 2013 at 3:24 pm

      I’m so glad to hear it resonates, Moria. It is such a interconnected, cyclical problem. Another commenter brought up the issue of discrimination against students who return to school following treatment. Hopefully as this all becomes more well-known, this sort of discrimination can end.

  19. Barbara Becker on July 10, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Thank you Lisa, for a beautiful article. I just can’t see the shame in diseases. To me, they are lessons we signed up for and we are all working our pieces. I have witnessed children who have been abandoned by the alcoholic, frolicking parent, and they grew up to be productive, caring people. Sure, they have challenges, we all do.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 11, 2013 at 8:04 am

      I agree, Barbara – so very sad we shame diseases – and so many diseases have gone through that shame period (cancer, HIV, for example) before they’re finally accepted for what they are – treatable diseases. Let’s hope this new research will finally put this disease in perspective and end the shame that makes seeking help and recovery so difficult.

  20. Herby Bell on July 13, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Lisa,

    Just yesterday, I was looking through some belongings of my Mom who died a few years ago and found a letter from her mother-in-law, my grandmother who was apologizing for her son–my Dad–and his irresponsible ways with drugs and alcohol that lead to his death by suicide. She felt profound shame that he had, “thrown his life away.” Growing up, I thought/felt the same things–talk about repercussions of Secondhand Drinking…but now know differently thanks to people like you who have made it your business to help people understand in a Big Way.

    For me, this most important article’s central implication is once again–addiction is a systemic disease with a systemic misunderstanding. Your impeccably organized, informative and oh-so appreciated personal touch post, will be an invaluable resource for countless, sorrily wanting and needing places. I’m on it.

    I give it a “10” (on a scale of “8”).

    Thank you!!

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 14, 2013 at 2:22 pm

      Thank you so very much, Herby, for the rating!! And thank YOU for sharing your own family experiences. You shed light on the very real happenings that are all too often experienced by everyone in a family as a result of this family disease – simply because the disease is not understood, let alone discussed and treated.

  21. Jody Lamb on July 14, 2013 at 8:03 am

    This is absolutely brilliant, Lisa.

    You’re so correct. People, due to lack of understanding, simply do not distinguish the people from the disease of addiction.

    Around the same time that my alcoholic loved ones hit rock bottom, and my life became completely unmanageable as a result, a friend’s mother was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. It seemed like 100 people rushed to my friend’s side with offers to help. I was happy that she was so supported but I felt so alone. Many people in my life knew about what was happening but most of them simply didn’t know what to say or do so they just avoided the topic. The addicts in my life were causing destructive dominoes to crash in every direction and I could hardly breathe as I struggled to pick them up. Still stuck in shame about the situation, I just didn’t feel comfortable reaching out and asking for help or even just a listening ear. It would have gotten help for myself a lot earlier if there had been more people around me.

    I once heard a story from the mother of an addict. She said, “When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I opened my door and 500 people were standing there with open arms. Then when my son became a drug addict, I opened my door and there wasn’t one person there.”

    Drug and alcohol addiction is the most common disease afflicting people. As a society, we have to stop pretending this isn’t true.

    Great post, Lisa!

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 14, 2013 at 2:39 pm

      Jody – your description of how the shame and stigma that surrounds this disease takes down those within the path of its destructive dominoes is so important for people to understand – especially as it relates to the children who have no self-defense mechanisms in place to protect themselves and as such develop a host of unhealthy self-doubts and coping skills – ones that often set them up to develop a substance misuse problem or marry someone who has one. And that’s of course, the family members – as you also write – the shame and stigma to the addict / alcoholic is equally devastating.

  22. Sharon O'Day on July 14, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Lisa, we hear the expression “make your mess your message.” You have done so in spades! Few people I know would take an issue they faced and create the expertise you have in this field. I continue to be fascinated by what you share, although I have been fortunate enough to only have been lightly touched in my life with others’ addictions.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 15, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      I really appreciate your compliment, Sharon – thank you! And I’m very happy for you that you’re life has not been too affected by others’ addictions. I do appreciate your support and sharing of my work.

  23. Yvonne on July 16, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    I have to say if someone wants to change and fight it…I am there. Though they will have to get to the point of realization, I have spend too much time trying to help people that did not want help.
    I know it’s not easy to get to the point, no matter what kind of addict, but once they can say “I need help” I’m there.

  24. Daniel D on October 1, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Lisa,I love this Post… I myself have over 16 years clean and sober. It is refreshing to see a Lawyer/Law Firm with such great insight and dedication on the Social Stigma of this disease. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to go to court with my different sponsees as they are trying to pick up the pieces of their ravaged lives, as well salvage what they could with their families that have been devastated and hurt by them in the throws of active addiction, only to be limited, ostracized, ridiculed, and given no chances to rectify the damage they have done because of the system. Thanks for sharing! Hopefully we can have more understanding professionals like you help here on the East coast someday!
    Dan D
    http://alcoholicsanonymousrecoveryjewelry.com

    • Lisa Frederiksen on October 2, 2013 at 10:57 am

      Hi Daniel – I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with this issue. It has such tragic outcomes for the children, especially, and the parent who is unable to truly live a life of recovery. We never would do this to a cancer survivor nor a person in recovery from a heart attack. Let’s hope this new brain research can finally do for addiction what science and research findings have done for other diseases.

  25. Holly cline on February 18, 2014 at 9:43 am

    Thank you. This is so hopeful to me. I am the person you are writing about. I was a stay at home mom of 2. Was put on addictive meds for post partum then I turned into an alcoholic. My demise was fast got a DUI then went to treatment. My husband left me through it all. I had a seizure from coming off the Klonopin I was accustomed to taking daily. Put back on it. Relapsed to drinking again. Lost my 2 kids because I couldn’t afford as good of representation in my divorce. Got a guardian ad litem in recovery who made my alcoholism the basis of my divorce.
    By the grace of God and the 12 steps I’m drug and alcohol free 90 days now. I had no idea I would be treated so horribly for having a disease. I love my kids more than my life. I was sick and people need to understand that. I am already back to the amazing, caring, responsible women I was before this happened. I want to help raise awareness because this misinformation is ruining families as we speak.

  26. family law on July 5, 2014 at 11:55 am

    This is a really great examine. Appreciate it for that understanding as well as info-very beneficial.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 5, 2014 at 7:08 pm

      You’re welcome and thank you for taking the time to comment!

  27. patsy kelly on December 5, 2016 at 2:24 am

    my adult daughter is in recovery and i am the only support that she has .She has been in a flat where i think is a place of bad memories and people that she will never stop coming round from the days of using because she is being bullied. The thing that makes me unable to sleep is that 2 weeks ago i arrived at the flat where she lives to drop my grand daughter home and she had a black eye and cuts and on her face and the door to the flat was busted .she said she fell and her keys must have fallen out so she had to break the lock.I she is at risk and not safe what can i do to give her a bit of hope to stay away from something that will put her in to relapse or god forbid worse.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on December 5, 2016 at 7:25 am

      Hi Patsy…I’m so terriby sorry. If you’d like to talk with my, my number is 650-362-3026. If I don’t answer, I will call you back. Lisa

  28. Lynn on December 30, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    Hi Lisa,
    Thank you for being here. I see a lot of inclined dealing with the alcoholic and their
    Disease but I’m left with the same question you had when you were trying to keep your children safe during divorce. What were you able to do? What did you do? My husband an active. Alcoholic has our son every other weekend and it is written in our divorce that he will remain a .00 during not this time. He of course does not and lawyers tell me it’s unenforceable anyway! Until he gets a dui. He rarely leaves his home. I think that waiting until he gets a dui could mean years of him driving under the influence with our son. I’m 4 years sober and have my own difficulty dealing with second hand drinking! What can do DO??

    • Lisa Frederiksen on December 31, 2016 at 8:34 am

      Hi Lynn – thank you for writing – it will depend on the state you live in, but I do have suggestions. Can you give me a call, and we can talk them through? 650-362-3026. Congratulations on your sobriety!! Lisa

  29. Rebekah Pointek on January 19, 2017 at 8:06 am

    Hi Lisa I would love some advice on what your custody plan looked like. I’m dealing with a custody issue with my ex who has significant history of drug abuse now 6 months sober on vivitrol he wants to have unsupervised visitation and I am not ready for that actually petrified…my attorney is looking to strike an agreement before a hearing but not hopeful he’ll agree as he wants supervision lifted asap. Thanks so much!

    • Lisa Frederiksen on January 19, 2017 at 8:58 am

      Hi Rebekah – please send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com or call my office at 650-362-3026 to talk about this (it’s a bigger conversation than I can write up). If I don’t answer, I will call you back. Lisa

  30. Gloria Rivera on May 17, 2017 at 5:11 am

    Hi Lisa
    I have many concerns and I will pas this info on to everyone I know struggling with this disease. My concern is my daughters in-laws want her children ( my grandchildren ; though they think they may be “protecting them” they are harming them . My daughters husband is relapsing from his disease ( crack) abuse and they shame him yell at him but doesn’t offer the help he needs. She is in treatment and ready for a house that will help her with staying clean and parenting and she is ready for that but what will the judge say when her husband goes to court for DUI and driving without a license . I pray the judge will not make her sign over temporary custody to her husbands parents. They have lived with them for apx 6 mo. To date 5-15-17.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on May 17, 2017 at 7:05 am

      Hi Gloria – I will send you a private email. It is difficult to answer this question without getting a more complete picture, and typically each answer leads to more questions. We can talk further, then. Lisa

  31. Ronda on July 24, 2017 at 7:48 pm

    I sincerely thank you for your well informed article on addiction and recovery. I wish more people would be educated on it for the sake of the children who are being separated from a recovering parent. Recovering alcoholics are miracles of mental health and I have the privilege of witnessing this miracle every day. We love our children as much as any ” normal” parent. We are willing to go to any lengths necessary to recover, repair and create safe, healthy and loving environments for our children. Removing all our parental rights to parents actively involved in recovery is an injustice to our children. We are willing to be held accountable through measures of accountability. The problem is that most of us simply ” give up” fighting the custodial parent because of the shame and societal stigma. This has to stop. Please help us advocate for our children . There is a solution.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 25, 2017 at 8:42 am

      Thanks for your comment, Ronda. I wholeheartedly agree with your statement, “removing all our parental rights to parents actively involved in recovery is an injustice to our children,” which is a key reason I do what I do.

      Over 23 million Americans are living their lives in recovery as compared, for example, to 14.5 million Americans in 2014 living their lives in recovery from all forms of cancer []. Both are chronic diseases. Both are highly treatable. The difference is the stigma, misinformation and shame that still surrounds substance use disorders (addiction) — all of which no longer surround cancer because of scientific research and new understandings. We have to continue to fight to raise public and legal awareness about this new science.

      Thanks again for writing.
      Lisa

      • Jane on May 5, 2018 at 9:16 pm

        I am coming up on a year clean at the end of this month(May). My husband and I had just under 7yr and 10yr clean respectively when we relapsed in early 2015, after a remarkable string of tragedies. I have lost 2 of 3 kids (youngest 2 from current marriage, oldest is with me and from first) via petition for emergency relief custody,petitioner was husband’s mother, though I had six months of clean supervised urines at the court date. I wasn’t even legally served. Custody petition was filed as a result of cys discovering that mother in law was leaving them, then 4 & 7 , alone, unsupervised, unsupervised with husband who was actively using even though cys had ordered her to have him out of that house (she was funding his addiction and I had to choose homelessness to stay clean upon returning there in may). Cys had an open case on her for repeatedly defying the safety plans, total non-compliance, “discipline” methods that the state recognizes as abuse, i.e.hair pulling, ear pulling, shoving, threatening, grabbing them by the collar of their heavy winter coats so hard the seams split apart. CYS investigated us back into 2012- there were no findings of abuse nor neglect.
        The judge looked right at me and said, “there’s been a substance abuse history?”. Done deal. Nearly 10k later and 7 more months clean, I have every other weekend with them, unsupervised , which we can’t ever quite get because she finds a way into intimidating me into micromanaging every aspect of our weekends.I need to find an attorney that might be just a little bit open to the fact that not every addict or alcoholic is necessarily a child-abusing pos. She is and always has been an abusive narcissist, this is more about evening the score for my husband “leaving” her, as he was never to marry or date, he was supposed to live with her and solely care for her into old age.
        My 2 youngest don’t understand why they can’t be with us/me. They are jealous of my oldest having been “the lucky one”, it is a mess that only gets worse the longer we stay clean. Are there any attorneys who could help me? I’m in PA.

        • Lisa Frederiksen on May 7, 2018 at 11:23 am

          I am so very sorry to hear all that you are going (and have gone) through. Let’s talk by phone about this. Send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can schedule a time to talk – there is no charge for this. ~Lisa

  32. BRAD IKENBERRY on May 28, 2018 at 9:44 am

    Hi Lisa, I loved your article and it hit very close to home. When I met my wife ten years ago I was living in a sober house struggling to get sober. I did, we ended up getting married buying a home and starting a family. After seven years in recovery I relapsed and struggled on and off again for over two years. During that time my wife began an affair, refused marriage counciling, and told me she didnt believe I had a disease. I was crushed but entered and completed long term treatment again and am almost seven months sober today. We are in the middle of a divorce and she is claiming I’m some sort of a monster unfit to be around our 3 year old daughter who I love with all my heart. I know it will be an uphill struggle to get parenting time, but I hope the courts will give me the opportunity to show what a great Dad I am and let me share my love with my daughter. I’m not a criminal, I’m. I’ve never been abusive. Just a man recovering from a disease that tells me I dont have a disease

  33. Brad Ikenberry on May 28, 2018 at 10:53 am

    Hi Lisa, thank you for the work you are doing as it hits very close to home. I meet my future wife when I was struggling to get sober. Through hard work and treatment I did and ended up in recovery for over seven years. During that time we got married bought a home and started a family. Unfortunately our marriage began to fail. I relapsed, she had an affair, and we are in the middle of a divorce. I struggled to remain sober for about two years. With short stints of sobriety and relapses. I finally decided to enter long term treatment, three months, and am over six months sober today. While I was in treatment she changed the locks, took sole residence of our house and wouldn’t let me speak to my daughter, shes 3, or bring her to visit me. When I got out of treatment she told me that she didnt believe I had a disease and refused marriage counciling.
    We have our first court date coming up and it hurts so much as she is making me out to be a monster, refusing to let me have more than a few hours visitation a week and only at our house, which is very uncomfortable for me. All I’m asking for is supervised visitation including overnights during the weekend at my mothers house, and she is fighting against it as hard as she can.
    I’ve been in long term recovery before, I’ve completed treatment programs, have verified sobriety and am engaged in two weekly adiction counciling sessions per week. I have a sponsor and am doing the 12 steps again along with going to regular AA meetings. How can I show the courts that I am as committed as I know how to living a sober life, that i am not a monster or a threat to my daughter (no criminal record or allegations of abuse) just a man recovering from a terrible disease who loves his daughter and wants to share that love with her.

    • Lisa Frederiksen on May 28, 2018 at 5:38 pm

      Hi Brad,

      I suggest becoming very familiar with these key resources and then sharing them with the Court, connecting them to your situation as applicable:

      1. NIDA’s “Drugs, Brains, and Behaviors: The Science of Addiction,” explains why addiction is considered a brain disease and how a person develops this disease. https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/principles-drug-addiction-treatment-research-based-guide-third-edition/preface

      2. Within the above document, look at this page, “Treatment and Recovery,” specifically this question: “Does relapse to drug abuse mean treatment has failed?” Answer: “No. The chronic nature of the disease means that relapsing to drug abuse at some point is not only possible, but likely. Relapse rates (i.e., how often symptoms recur) for people with addiction and other substance use disorders are similar to relapse rates for other well-understood chronic medical illnesses such as diabetes, hypertension, and asthma, which also have both physiological and behavioral components. Treatment of chronic diseases involves changing deeply imbedded behaviors, and relapse does not mean treatment has failed. For a person recovering from addiction, lapsing back to drug use indicates that treatment needs to be reinstated or adjusted or that another treatment should be tried.” https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/treatment-recovery

      3. Executive Summary of The U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Alcohol, Drugs, and Health. This was just issued November 17, 2016, and goes a long way to debunking common myths about addiction, treatment, and recovery. https://addiction.surgeongeneral.gov/executive-summary

      4. NIDA’s “Principles of Effective Treatment” helps all concerned understand what is considered effective treatment, which can then be used as a benchmark for assessing a person’s treatment and recovery. https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/principles-drug-addiction-treatment-research-based-guide-third-edition/preface

      Additionally, some people report that having detailed descriptions of what they’ve done and are doing, along with letters of verification, if applicable, can help. Also stipulating your willingness to submit to random drug testing has proven helpful for some.

      Feel free to call my office with additional questions, 916-241-3288. I’m in CA on PST. If I don’t answer, I will call you back.

  34. Aimee Brooke Yanez on September 24, 2018 at 9:16 pm

    I am being discriminated against because of my addiction. Right now I’m under a safety plan for my seven and a half month old baby and 7 year old son because I relapsed 436 hours and went straight into detox to get treatment I was not taking care of my children at the time and I did not harm them or neglect them in anyway however the treatment center called CPS because I have a baby and now I’m going to lose full custody of the baby to his father. I remain clean since the detox and I feel losing full custody of my child is Extreme even though I do have a history of relapse I can’t believe they’re not giving me a chance to show them I can stay clean first. Workers keep telling me antidotes of other addicts like we’re all the same!

  35. lisa marks on July 21, 2021 at 5:03 pm

    I just have to ask, what about the children that keep getting sent to alcoholic fathers, My daughter had a baby with an aloholic that was many years older than her. He has had so many chances in family court. He was getting her overnights and had been giving her large amounts on Benedryl so he could use and drink. We got a call where he said he wanted to call his doctor because he couldn’t wake her up. He had been drinking and the officer who came said he admitted to drinking. He wasn’t charged because the officer said it would be up to the judge and the courts system. The hospital believed she had been given benedryl but couldn’t prove it because it goes in and out of the system too fast. We have been living in hell. All we hear is what about him. Hes trying, he’s been to rehab and gets everything free. We spend all our money on lawyers and get no help. I have no sympathy and only want him out of our lives. What about us. I am sick of hearing about him. He gets chance after chance and job after job. He was given supervised visits for a year and now they say they may give him unsupervised. Do you know how scary that is? What about the poor child. She deserves so much more than a drunken father and a system that has failed her. We get no help. Where is our help…..

    • Lisa Frederiksen on July 22, 2021 at 2:05 pm

      I fully agree with your question, Lisa — “Where is our help….” For the most part, family courts – attorneys and judges – do not understand alcohol use disorders, let alone what custody arrangements that involve a person with untreated alcoholism or alcohol abuse does to the children. I am happy to schedule a phone call with you to talk about this (there is no charge). Send me an email at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com if you’d like to arrange such a call. In the meantime, you may want to read my latest book — it sheds a lot of light on some of this — https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483” rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”>10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!….

Leave a Comment