Recovery for family members — meaning to really let go of the worry, fear and angst over a loved one’s substance abuse or addiction, to forgive them and oneself for the insanity the disease caused in one’s life, to really understand what it means to set boundaries and let go of trying to control others and outcomes — IS entirely possible. Here’s another part of my story that may help you on your road to recovery as a family member of someone who abuses or is addicted to drugs or alcohol. It takes time – I won’t pretend it doesn’t. But even as it’s happening, there is a great deal of relief and joy to be had – especially when we have the tools and better understandings to take it One Day at a Time…
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My recovery journey as a family member started in 2003. Back then, there was no way I could ever, ever in my wildest dreams believe or even imagine I’d be climbing rock faces one day or scuba diving or fly fishing. But thankfully I took that first step in the journey, for today I have truly come to understand what it means to LIVE MY LIFE and have the tools to do it.
“Tell us ‘How do you feel?’ and ‘What did you do for yourself this week?’”
These were the first two questions we had to answer during “check in” at the family group meetings I attended as part of the program offerings at the residential treatment center to which Alex* admitted himself. At first, I thought it was really dumb. I had one feeling – anger – and as for doing something for myself, I didn’t have time! I was too busy keeping the home front going while Alex was in residence at the center. And, before that, I was too busy keeping everyone squared away while I battled his drinking. Besides, doing something for myself sounded – well – selfish.
Our family group’s therapist kept at it, however, week after week. She didn’t allow answers like, “fine,” “good” or “okay,” either. Giving an “acceptable” answer was difficult for myself and the others in the group, and our therapist was often greeted with a look that said, “So what’s wrong with “good,” “fine” or “okay”?” (We’d eventually learn to appreciate that those answers were vague and intentionally evasive, as we began to understand the reason for her effort.) Our family therapist was helping us unlearn one of a codependent’s primary coping skills – that of “not feeling.” This pre-meeting “check-in,” as it was called, forced us to think about ourselves, about how we felt, not about how someone else felt. In time, we could describe our feelings with words like, “frustrated,” “anxious,” “betrayed,” “used,” “stressed” – even, “hopeful,” “happy,” and “content.”
As for, “What did you do for yourself this week?” it could be something like taking a walk, getting a manicure, watching a football game, not reacting to a loved one when he came home drunk. It could be as simple as going for an ice cream with the children. But, initially, most of us couldn’t answer this question either. We’d offer reasons, like: “I was swamped at work.” “I had to finish my tax return.” “I had to take care of my mother-in-law.” “My friend’s mother was ill, so I had to watch her kids.” These all seemed like reasonable excuses, but our family therapist would just nod and say that she understood (and you believed her because she really did) and then she’d gently encourage us to try to do something for ourselves the following week.
Believe it or not, eventually we got that, too. Some got so bold as to do something on a daily basis (like exercising) and others actually did something way out of the ordinary, like taking a weekend trip with a friend. Being able to do something “selfish” was hugely satisfying and (dare I say) “Fun!” It was also freeing because we could see that taking the focus off the alcoholic/drug addict, alcohol/drug abuser or another family member did not cause our world to fall apart. For most of us, it was also the first time, in a long time, that we’d thought about what might (or did) make us happy, not what we thought would make someone else happy.
So, I would suggest those of you who are grappling with a loved one’s addiction, substance abuse or recovery program try this exercise periodically throughout the day. Ask yourself how you’re feeling without answering “good,” “fine” or “okay,” and then ask yourself what you would like to do for yourself and do it! Learning how you feel and what you want will eventually free you to do it on a more regular basis. (And, what you want may be to do something for someone else. That’s okay! It’s what you want to do.)
And if you’re really new to this whole family member recovery concept and just want to help your addict/alcoholic loved one, you may want to start with this post, First Things First – When Recovery Feels Overwhelmingly Difficult, Keep It Simple.
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*Alex is the name I’ve assigned to represent any one of my family members and friends who abuse or are dependent on alcohol or who are in or not in recovery, so as to protect their anonymity. Alex is not one particular person, but rather represents their collective behaviors rolled into one. I use the pronoun, “he,” for simplicity’s sake.
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Such an inspiring article, Lisa. Thank God I don’t have any addictions but someone close to me does. Of course, he says he doesn’t have a problem, that he can stop drinking any time he wants…..it usually lasts for 10 days and then he falls off the wagon! I’m learning how to cope with it but it is a challenge. Thanks for showing some steps I can take to make things bearable.
Thank you, Alexandra! Boy do I recall those claims and promises – and as you’ve described, they don’t last long – nor can they given the nature of the brain disease, itself. Thanks so much for adding your comment.
Being able to connect with our own emotions and to acknowledge them is something you think would be easy for everyone…and it isn’t always…love this post! Checking in and seeing how you are feeling is really a good strategy for everyone, especially those who are dealing with a loved one’s addiction.
Thank you, Sherie – so glad to hear you find it helpful. Take care and thanks for adding your comment.
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story Lisa. It really highlights just how much the addiction of someone else in the family can impact on everything. And just how the addiction overwhelms ‘normal’ family life. I’m sure this will make others take the first step to getting help for themselves and not just worry about the addict.
It’s pretty crazy, isn’t it, Carolyn – and when you finally get hindsight, it’s pretty scary how slowly it creeps up and into and finally overtakes one’s life. Thanks so much for your kind words. Take care.
Its been a fascinating journey for me, moving from being the one with an addiction (and now 25+ years recovery), to having family members in active addiction and discovering a mile-wide streak of codependency in myself. But oh what liberation it is to apply all those powerful recovery principles to allowing others to discover – or not – their own recovery!
Love your comment, Ronae – thanks so much for sharing your experiences with this!
Great post, Lisa. Family members do need to take care of themselves and when you are in the midst of unraveling the addiction in your family, it’s hard to focus on anything else. I remember when my daughter went to her first treatment center at a wilderness program. I was so grateful to know that they were looking out for her and I could breathe a sigh of relief. Great question to ask ourselves often.
Thank you, Cathy. Like you said, when you’re in the midst of it, it’s so hard to focus on anything else. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with family addiction. Take care.
Great post. Addiction affects everyone and many people don’t realize it and take the necessary steps to not only help the person with the addiction but to get help themselves and everyone involved. In times like these everyone needs to heal. Thank you for sharing.
You are so right, Barbara – in families with addiction – everyone needs to heal. Thanks for adding your comment!
Lisa, What a powerful post. By sharing your personal experiences in this way, I think you really open up space for others to compare what they’re going through. I think that we as women use “fine” a lot when we don’t mean it. We should all make the decision to be more expressive – and more honest.
Thank you so much, Amy!! I do hope this helps others — very much appreciate your support and comment.
How lucky I am. But the responses of “good” or “fine” or “okay” to the question of how we are permeates our entire society. And that’s led me to reflect on whether as a society we feel a general numbness … a wave of “not feeling.” Interesting.
It is interesting, Sharon. When I first started down this road, I was taken with how much we all use “good” or “fine” or “okay” to describe our feelings and by how difficult it is to find a more accurate response – although often people are so unprepared for it, they don’t know how to respond to the answer. Ah well… Thanks for adding your comment.
Thank you for sharing this powerful personal experience! It’s so important to remember the friends and family who are impacted by addiction. Thank you for bringing light to this topic.
You’re so welcome! And thank you, Paige, for adding your comment. Hopefully, as we come to better appreciate how affected family members and friends are, we can also enhance efforts to help them (which in turn, helps the addict/alcoholic in recovery, as well). Thanks again!