How do you get someone to stop drinking or abusing drugs? Can you even do it? Don’t they have to hit bottom first? And where is the bottom? And if it’s your child, how do you ever walk away or set a boundary that could mean they don’t go to college in the fall or end up homeless because you will no longer tolerate their drinking behaviors in your home?

As you can imagine, these are the frequent types of questions I receive. And I listen to the fatigue, anger, desperation, sadness and/or fear in their voices as they share with me, “I’ve tried everything and nothing’s worked.”

And it’s true – they have – at least everything they’ve known to do because this is not a subject you discuss with your neighbor or the parent of your child’s best friend or even your own parent or sibling. It’s not like cancer where you’d have contacted the top oncologist – the one to whom you’d been referred to after a battery of diagnostic tests by your primary care physician – the tests that would have been ordered within days or weeks of your complaints about the symptoms your loved one was experiencing.

This is not like cancer where you and your loved one would be on the same “side” – battling the disease together. This is not like cancer where you’d have immediately told those closest to you, who would have then carried the news to the next level and organized car pools and visitation schedules for picking up the slack while you and your loved one focused solely on getting through the prescribed surgery and follow-up treatments. This is not like cancer where you’d have felt anything but alone, instead, buoyed by the life ring of love and support of those closest to you.

I know. I was where so many of my callers and emailers are by the time they reach out to me – at their wits end. By the time I finally cried, “uncle,”  I’d been battling various loved ones’ alcohol abuse and alcoholism for decades, and I was a wreck. Like me, the people I help are at their wits end because this – this drinking (or drug abuse) their loved one “insists” on continuing – is still so wrapped in shame, which then wraps it in secrecy. And it’s this shame and secrecy that forces people like my callers and emailers and myself to try figure this whole thing out on our own. And if/when we do seek help, often the people we seek it from don’t understand it any better than we do, so they may listen and commiserate, but they have no better clue than we do as to what they can EFFECTIVELY do next. And where does all this secrecy and shame come from?

It’s the result of addiction (whether to drugs or alcohol) not being societally understood for what it is – a chronic, often relapsing, but TREATABLE, brain disease. A brain disease that is caused by a person changing the way their brain chemically and structurally works by the nature of their disease – addiction – a disease that is compounded (and for which treatment must also be sought, if necessary) by the five key risk factors a person may have that contribute to the way their brain interacts with alcohol or drug misuse. Societally, we have no idea it’s a developmental disease, one that often begins in adolescence, one that can’t even begun to be treated until all use of alcohol (or the drugs) is stopped. We have no understanding that one of its characteristics is cravings – cravings that are 3-5 times more powerful than our instinctual, hard-wired craving to eat food when hungry (and most of us have not been that hungry). We believe relapse is an indication of a moral weakness, a lack of willpower, and don’t realize that science explains it as a “normal” feature of this disease. We don’t understand that knowing all of this would have explained, “Why Addicts | Alcoholics Lie, Cheat, Steal” (and break promises).

This secrecy and shame perpetuates our denial of how bad it really is and so we keep going with…

The “Buts…”

As I proceed in my phone calls or emails with people who contact me and gently ask them questions about what they’ve tried or share information regarding the brain disease of addiction – especially the five key risk factors – and whether any of those are present (often mental illness is, in which case we talk a bit about that and the concept of dual diagnosis), I’m repeatedly met with, “Yes I know that or I’ve tried that or s/he’s taking medications and seeing a counselor, BUT  __________.” And the more I gently probe or suggest, the more “buts” I hear. Why there’s darn near a “but” for everything (and believe me, I was right there, myself, ten years ago). Because, let’s face if, if what all we’d tried had worked, all would be well. Right?!?

Yet it’s the “buts” that have them stuck. (It was the millions of “buts” that had me stuck, that’s for sure.) Because it’s the “but” that represents the line they’ve moved on the boundary they’ve set, or it represents their desired outcome for their loved one. And it’s all the failed “buts” that often make it difficult to see the forest through the trees, so to speak, so they (not the addict | alcoholic) dig in harder to fix it. When in reality, the very, very, very best thing they can do is “fix” themselves. Yes, I said it, fix themselves. I remember when I was first told that I wanted to smack the person who’d dared suggest I needed help. (For more on this and a bit of my back story, check out “Loving an Alcoholic – How to Find YOUR Sanity if You Do.”)

Which brings me to an answer to the question, “How do you get someone to stop drinking or abusing drugs?”

Consider CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) – an Intervention Alternative

Why do I suggest CRAFT? It’s all about helping the loved one, not the addict – helping the loved one understand what all is going on, and from there, what they can do to change their own behaviors, which in turn can prompt an addict | alcoholic loved one to seek the treatment they so desperately need. In other words, it helps the loved one stop the “buts.”

CRAFT – an alternative to traditional interventions – offers one way to get someone to stop drinking.

The Addiction Project explains it this way, “Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) is a gentle and effective method for helping families guide addicted loved ones into treatment. Dr. Robert Meyers, a research associate and professor in psychology, developed this innovative approach after growing up with an alcoholic father. He discusses how a family member can change their dynamic with the addict and help them take the first steps towards seeking treatment,” and shared in a two-part, 18 minute video, “Getting an Addiction Into Treatment: The CRAFT Approach.”

Additionally, Denise Krochta, author and host of the Addicted to Addicts: Survival 101 radio show, did an interview with Dr. Mark Edison in NYC about the CRAFT program, which may also answer questions you might have. Click here to link to the interview.

When a CRAFT Program is Not Available in Your Community

According to The Addiction Project, “CRAFT can easily be learned on your own. The 2004 book, Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe, was written to bring CRAFT right into your home. It helps you change the way you think about your situation and teaches you how to help your loved one learn to enjoy a sober lifestyle. The authors also help you rethink your own lifestyle to make it safer and saner regardless of what your loved one does. If you are also working with a therapist, we recommend that you alert your counselor to the CRAFT manual for therapists, Motivating Substance Abusers to Enter Treatment: Working with Family Members.”

And in the event you’d like to read more on how I did it and the simplified science of addiction and what happens to family members, you may wish to check out my books described here and available for purchase on Amazon.com as linked from that page.

Just know – a more sane, happier life is possible for both you and your loved one.

• Bio
• Latest Posts

Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

• Does a Loved One Have to Hit Bottom? - November 20, 2022
• Resources for Parents of Children with Substance Use and Mental Disorders - October 18, 2022
• 4 Things to Support Brain Health and Function for Recovery - August 30, 2022