Recovery resentment - the reason you still feel angry, lonely, hurt, and raw when your loved one is finally in recovery. Author Carolyn Hughes explains.
Carolyn Hughes, Novelist, “The Hurt Healer,” writes about Recovery Resentment
The following is a guest post by Carolyn Hughes, a freelance writer with special interest in alcohol issues. Carolyn is currently writing The Hurt Healer, a novel based on her own experiences of abuse and alcoholism, and lives in Northern Ireland with her husband and their two daughters. She celebrates 13 years sobriety and says, “My proudest achievement is that my children have never seen me take alcohol or had to live with a drunken mother.” Carolyn can be reached at carolyn.hughes6@btinternet.com, and be sure to visit Carolyn’s blog, The Hurt Healer, to read more of her insightful posts. You may also wish to follow her on FaceBook.
Recovery Resentment by Carolyn Hughes
Recovery Resentment – why you still feel hurt and angry after your loved one stops drinking.
You never thought they could, but your loved one has done it! They’ve got sober and everyone is happy. So why do you still feel so infuriated and upset? It’s Recovery Resentment. Here’s some insight into what it is and what to do.
Great news! You’ve survived the hell of living with an alcoholic and they’ve decided to get help. Past experience has led to disappointments and frustration after your loved one has started treatment only to quit, but this time they are adamant they will stick with it. You are cynical but even so, there’s a tiny glimpse of optimism because you never thought this day would come.
They say they are “Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.” So are you. Alcohol has been the root cause of all your problems whether emotional, physical, social or financial. So you indulge in thoughts of a carefree life where drink is not in control.
To your amazement the alcoholic does actually seem to be making a serious attempt at beating the addiction. You’ve no idea what prompted this catalyst for change but you welcome it with open arms. They are following their programme and you notice a real commitment. By some miracle they’ve managed a day, then a week without a drink and they’re on course for their first dry month, six months……
Everyone has noticed a change and you have the feeling you should be elated. Of course you’re pleased that they’re on the right track. Delighted that family life has calmed down. Genuinely relieved that they’ve dumped their drinking buddies and made new sober friendships. Yet there’s something that’s making you sick to the stomach. Why do you still feel angry, lonely, hurt, and raw?
It’s ‘Recovery Resentment.’
As an alcoholic who took twenty years to admit it, I know how terrifying it is to be in the position of having to give up drinking or die. Even though I wanted my daily torture to end, it took me six months in residential rehab to get physically detoxed and psychologically ready to begin my journey to an alcohol free life.
At the end of it I didn’t just have a few months sobriety to celebrate, I also emerged 28lbs lighter and looking years younger. I had renewed my faith and I wanted to share my new found zest for life. Naturally I assumed everyone would appreciate how much I had endured in treatment and that they would welcome me back unconditionally. Most were willing, but some were not.
I realised that some were resentful of my success because their own relatives had failed. Others were addicts and preferred being around addicts. Those I found the hardest to deal with were friends who I’d hurt so badly through my alcoholism that they were unwilling to accept any apology and were unable to forgive me.
Whatever the reason, there were people who quite simply resented my recovery. However, it wasn’t until the tables were turned that I appreciated ‘Recovery Resentment’ completely.
After 12 years of sobriety my husband decided he would drink again. After a year and a half of managing the nightmare that had become our family life he finally relapsed and admitted defeat. He made the decision to get back on track. And he did.
Except that he seemed to think that his ‘not drinking’ excused him from taking responsibility of the damage he had done to me and others. I didn’t dare mention the fact that he had all but thrown our marriage away out of fear of triggering off the next relapse. He was feeling fine again and wanted to just pick up from where we left off. And he gave a convincing argument about leaving the past in the past and moving on.
My mind agreed but my heart didn’t. I felt so raw and so damaged. But at the same time I was boiling with rage. How dare he act so smug and self righteous! How dare he chant AA slogans at me – “Live and let live”! How dare he feel better!
And to make it worse he relatives and friends seemed to take his side. Whilst cheerfully nodding in agreement at how wonderful it was that my husband wasn’t drinking, my insides churned as they warned me against talking about things that were over and done with.
Everyone also assumed that because my husband was okay, then so was I. But I needed support to manage my ‘Recovery Resentment’ and if you can relate at all, then so do you! I have two suggestions:
- Don’t seek revenge by doing the same things to your loved one as they did to you when they were drinking. You are better than that.
- Do go to Al-Anon or some similar group where you can vent your feelings and find some empathy and understanding. You deserve it.
At the end of the day I was able to forgive and forget largely because I am a recovering alcoholic. I know the power of alcohol, so for me it was a case of ‘but for the grace of God’. I can’t imagine what it must be like if you don’t have that insight. But I do know that my husband’s addiction wasn’t and isn’t my fault and neither was my recovery resentment. And it’s not your fault either!
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What an interesting topic. Thank you, Carolyn, for such an insightful post.
Thank you for your comments and support Jenny!
A really interesting blog. I hadn’t heard this term before but I have noticed that when people get their lives together, become more independant after prolonged depression etc., that it can be difficlut for family menbers and friend to come to terms with the changes. Sometimes faily no longer feel needed and then there is always the question ‘is it temporary?’
Wow, that’s really powerful! People have to go through as much healing who have been around alcoholics as the alcoholics themselves in getting sober. What a great article for getting help through it!
Thank you Jessica. Addiction is definately a family disease.
If you think about it most illnesses of one person can impact on the rest of the family. It’s more complex when it’s a mental health or addiction issue. And it’s why the whole family need help and not just the individual.
Thanks for your comments Karen. I appreciate them!
I have read many articles from Carolyn and time after time I am very impressed with her. Her life has changed for the good because she took action and not only that, right now she is reaching out to others who are going through the same. I applaud her for that! Great article again Carolyn!
Thank you very much Olga! I am fortunate enough to have been able to overcome the addiction and I know how very hard it is for those who are still trapped and for their families who are impacted too.
Recovery Resentment…. WOW!!!! What a revelation you just gave me, Carolyn! Seriously, I’m heading to Alanon… I could never put my finger on it… but yes, you nailed my feelings exactly… bull’s eye! I’m so grateful!
So glad I have been able to help in some way Susan! I’m sure you will find the support you need at Alanon. Unfortunately there’s many who have been the similar experiences but the positive side is that you never have to be alone with your ‘recovery resentment’. Take care!
This is an amazing post Carolyn! You’ve just cleared up something that always bothered me about my parents relationship. Now I realize that my mother actually resented my father for quitting drinking and staying quit. I never got that before today.
Good to hear that it helped explain something to you Helena! It sounds ridiculous that a wife could resent her husband for staying sober, but how much did she have to go through before he decided he was going to change his life? And I doubt she would risk being the cause of a relapse by wanting to go over old ground.
Sometimes it’s hard just to switch off the past hurts no matter how good the present.
Carolyn,
That’s a great term, “Recovery Resentment.” I work with many couples in recovery and have decades of personal experience and also in Al-Anon – never heard that term, but it’s real. Many of the things the things you describe are common. Usually, there are several adjustments after the initial euphoria of sobriety:
Carolyn,
I work with many couples in recovery and have decades of personal experience and also in Al-Anon – never heard that term, “Recovery Resentment,” but it’s real. Many of the things the things you describe are common. Usually, there are several adjustments after the initial euphoria of sobriety: 1. The partner has resentment about things the addict did while using – often in a blackout – that the addict may not remember. 2. The newly sober addict feels guilty and vulnerable and may cover it up with bravado and is just having great difficulty functioning sober. 3. The partner is still on egg shells expecting conflict and blame, which the the sober addict is blithely unaware of (his or her impact on others). 4. The partner may expect all will be “normal,” and not that the sober addict is edgy. 5. The partner’s role of being a caretaker and having a superior, responsible position is no longer needed. Giving up control may be difficult. If the sober addict begins to shine, the unconscious feeling of the partner is “Will I be enough – lovable enough, if I’m not needed?” The family dynamics have to change to a more equal, calm balance, and it takes time and regained trust.
Darlene Lancer, MFT
Author of “Codependency for Dummies”
Thank you for sharing your experience Darlene. Some wonderful insight into how a codependent can feel . For me your first point of resenting the things that the partner did whilst drunk was and still is the hardest thing to get over. And I have the benefit of knowing exactly how it feels to be totally out of it, yet forgiveness did not come easily!
I haven’t heard of it in this way before. But I can totally relate. My hubby is a recovoring alcoholic and has been clean since Feb 1994. Thanks for such a great writing!
Congratulations to your husband and congratulations to you too! Thank you for your comments Nancy.
Wow, what a POWERFUL message, Carolyn! I’d never really considered how deeply such scars can run for those affected by the behavior of an alcoholic. I guess it must be pretty tough for the person in recovery to deal with them also, when already at such a vulnerable time in their lives.
I’m really glad the post came across powerful Steve because it’s a part of alcoholism that I feel gets overlooked. And you’re right, if I think of my own situation I felt extremely vulnerable. Not a good place to be!
Thank you for your comments and support.
Wow…Carolyn…I can see how the term “recovery resentment” can be applied to so many other issues as well…and you’re so right that support is important. Letting that anger go and forgiving is a gift that you give to yourself, so that you don’t stay stuck in those negative emotions. Such a powerful post, I am sharing it!
I think it can be applied to other issues to Sherie and you are so right about forgiveness. There is no point in staying bitter and resentful – it hurts you further and that’s the last thing you need.
So glad you are sharing the post. Thank you!
Carolyn – thanks so much for a powerful post here. That piece around “recovery resentment” is so powerful and I think applies to so many areas of self-healing. Truth is – this sort of resentment is OK to have and it’s important to allow it to be released in a supportive way rather than being stuffed away.
Moira, you make such an important point that ‘this sort of resentment is OK but that it needs to be released. Thank you for your comments!
What an interesting post. I had never heard of recovery resentment, but I can certainly see how it could happen. Interestingly, I can also see how this might also apply with other types of resentment. Like a recovering addict who wants to be absolved of his sins while he was drinking because now everything’s better, I can imagine that anybody who committed a wrongdoing on another person also would want to just move on and forget it once they have admitted their mistake and sworn not to do it again.
It’s not that easy for the person who was hurt to just move on, though. She might still be hurt or not be convinced it won’t happen again or whatever. I like your ideas to rise above it and not seek revenge and then also vent about it before finding some empathy. That’s a good process to use to work through any hurts!
Thank you for your insightful comments Nisha. So glad you can see how the ‘Recovery Resentment can work in other areas of life. As you say, it’s not easy, but when you can rise above the resentment and find a way to deal with it healthily then the power of the resentment disappears.
Carolyn, I loved this article. You have really explained recovery resentment so well. So many times the family members are left with some powerful emotions and need support from friends and groups as well. Resentment is such a dangerous emotion to harbor in recovery. Thanks for another very insightful post!
Thank you Lisa. As with all addiction issues it’s the family and those who are closest to the addict that are left to deal with the behaviours and changes whether they are good or bad. Either way, support is needed!
This is a huge issue for all involved in recovery…some families never get over it and move on. Your advice is excellent for those in need…I will pass it on
Thanks Anita! It’s totally understandable that some families never get over it, but if these issues were made more aware and their was adequate counselling available it would make some people’s lives so much better!
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I am furious w my parents for staying in the background while I dealt w my brother’s drug and alcohol issues. They claimed they didn’t know and or acted like it was not as serious as it was. They knew I was capable and he is well now a year later. I just can’t stand the fact they shirked their parental obligations and farmed them to me. They have never apologized for what the 3 years of enduring the addicts abuse has done to me and are seemingly perfectly happy as if nothing ever happened! I finally blew and told them they were immature and selfish..they think I’m going crazy. I’m trying to forgive but I am pissed!
No wonder you’re angry! Your parents were in ‘denial’. And the fact that they are still unwillingly to accept that your brother’s behaviour affected you greatly shows that they are still in ‘denial’. Unfortunately no amount of screaming at them is going to change that.
But you can, (for your own sanity and peace of mind) and must find a way to mange your resentment and pain. I’m wondering if you had any support at all whilst you were dealing with your brother’s addictions because that would add to your anger that he had all the help whilst you didn’t? It is never too late to get support. You deserve to be free of the continuous torment. Why should the past, (especially the past of others) dictate how you feel now?
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this and congratulations on your loyalty to your family. Now it’s time to put yourself first.
I wish you all the best!
Thank you so much Carolyn, just the fact you validated my anger gave me great relief. This crap is like taking on a demon with a required exorcism to gain full health again. I am reclaiming my life. You are doing good work and the world is a better place because of people like you.
You are very welcome Chris and thank you for you lovely comment! I’m so glad you have made the decision to reclaim your life – you will emerge so much stronger when you do!
Hmm, I suppose it depends on whether you believe that alcoholism is a *disease* or not, but if so, do you think it’s fair to resent someone for having a disease?
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t I guess.
I do not think it’s fair to resent someone for having the disease of addiction, no more that it’s fair to resent someone for having the disease of cancer. Thanks so much for adding your comment, Daniel!