by Lisa Frederiksen
Often we believe that our children were / are too young 
to know what’s going on or to hear the truth of the matter so we carry on and hope they’ll never have to know. Unfortunately, when it comes to repeated alcohol abuse and/or alcoholism in a family member, the impact on the family dynamics is such that children do ‘know’ something is wrong, and they can be deeply affected if ‘it’ is not openly addressed and allowed to be discussed.
Here are three reasons it is important to find a way to talk to your children about a family member’s alcohol abuse — even if you don’t have all the answers:
1. There is a ‘current of discord’ (anger, fear, frustration) that flows through a family with a loved one who is repeatedly abusing and/or dependent on alcohol. The current affects the way the key players (the drinker and the spouse or parent or sibling or child) interact with one another and with each other. Unless the source of this current (the drinking behaviors) is acknowledged, it leaves everyone to interpret what the ‘real’ problem is, often blaming themselves or something they’ve done — thanks to the unhealthy communication dynamics that exist in a family with alcohol misuse. Recall that everything we think, feel and experience impacts how our neural networks wire — a family in chaos because of unidentified substance abuse, deeply affects the neural wiring our children experience — especially during brain development. (For more on underage brain development, click here, and for a post on the impacts on the neural networks of family members, click here, and for a post on the ‘enmeshment’ that goes on in an alcoholic family, click here.)
2. Children or siblings of alcoholics are genetically predisposed to developing their own alcohol problems. They need to understand this.
3. Children need to know that you know what they ‘know’ so they can trust what’s real and what is not. They need to know that help is on its way or being sought or at least that ‘it’ is finally being addressed and that things will change.
To help you with these kinds of conversations, read Claudia Black’s, Ph.D., book, Straight Talk From Claudia Black, What Recovering Parents Should Tell Their Kids About Drugs and Alcohol.
