Breakingthecycles.com – Changing the Conversations

by Lisa Frederiksen

For years I couldn’t relate to this phrase. It seemed so overused, and frankly one that got my blood boiling because it sounded so overly simplistic. Yet, it’s now one of my favorite mantra phrases.

On heavy stress days, I’m practically chanting, “Let it go…”. And, I’ve just come through a couple of weeks of heavy, heavy stress days as my planned move and purchase of my dream home unraveled and eventually fell through – poof!

But the years of recovery work I’ve done and my understanding of the codependent’s brain (see this post for more on this) has changed everything. Between the two I was able to keep pulling myself back to the fact that I had absolute control of what I thought, and therefore, how I responded – what I did. This is not to be confused with how I felt, how I reacted. And, let me tell you, my feelings were ALL OVER the place – anger, sadness, frustration, rage, despair, hope, resignation, emptiness, loneliness, “why me?”, “what happened?” “haven’t I gone through enough?” “Now what?” And, my reactions? They followed the wild ride of my feelings, ranging from tears to dazed walking the neighborhood streets to yelling at the walls to grinding my teeth (and, oh yea…headaches, too).

But thanks to the “new me,” I’m able to weather these kinds of setbacks, knowing that I have absolute control over what I think, therefore how I respond (again, not to be confused with how I feel and how I react). Responses (as opposed to reactions) occur when I can jar my thinking out of the Limibc System in my brain and move it down different neural pathways — the ones in my Cerebral Cortex, the thinking part of my brain.

So I use this phrase, “Let it go…” (and others, such as “THINK,” “HALT” and “BREATHE”) to remind myself, I am in control – when and if I’m ready. To help me figure out what to do next, I talk about the problem with friends and family, go swimming, sleep, research, write about it, work — some of these activities are directed at finding a solution and some are just to take my mind off the problem.  In other words, after I feel my feelings and the range of reactions they inspire, I can think things through and then “calmly” respond. Followed, of course, by “Let it go…” to remind myself to move on – enjoy the moments – because who knows what might happen, next.

Before I sign off… I have to be clear – “Letting go…” does not mean I’ve necessarily found an easy or immediate solution or that all is well. I am devastated about loosing this house and the dream I had. Letting go… is more like a clearing of my mind for that moment or period of time. It’s a reminder that I can’t solve it all at once, but I’ll do what I can, when I can, however I can. For now, I’m going to meet my daughters and spend the day at the beach!

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 1:44 pm and is filed under Help for Families. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.