by Lisa Frederiksen
I get a lot of phone calls from people — especially family
members — husbands, wives, siblings, parents — desperate for answers about what to do for a loved one with a substance abuse problem. Recently, I was asked to write one or two paragraphs to explain what I tell them. Please find the following:
The behaviors you’ve described – not keeping promises to stop or cut down, not showing up as planned because they’d stopped for drinks, defending yourself in a fight over your criticism of their drinking – are the result of the chemical and structural changes that occur in the brain with substance misuse. The label does not matter right now. You do not have to know or prove it is substance abuse or substance dependence (addiction) to take action. What you do need to know (and accept) is that the substance misuse IS the problem. It’s not you, it’s not the children, it’s not a job, nor a boss, nor stress nor…. Your loved one would not behave the way s/he does when consuming their substance if it weren’t for the brain changes caused by substance misuse. [In other words, “normal” use does not cause behavioral changes.] BUT, there is a great deal of new brain and addiction-related research that is helping to explain how substance misuse changes / interrupts the brain’s neural networks responsible for memory, judgment, learning, motivation, pleasure and more. Given the brain controls everything we think, feel, say and do, changing how it works (the way substance misuse changes neural networks) changes how a person “thinks” and therefore how s/he behaves. There is also new research on what happens to family members and friends who repeatedly have to deal with a loved one’s substance misuse behaviors and what can be done to stop the negative impacts on their emotional and physical wellbeing – their relationships, work/school, and quality of life.
Bottom line, the label (abuse or addiction) doesn’t matter at this point. It will matter later because treatment is different for abuse vs. addiction. The best thing you can do for you and your loved one, right now, is not to panic, not to make threats, and not to excuse or blame the substance misuse on something else. Instead, gather information about substance abuse and addiction and the impacts on the family. You may wish to seek help with a therapist specializing in addiction or with a group that supports the family members and friends of substance misusers There are many excellent resources out there. Just know – it really can and does get better if you take these kinds of action, now.
One of the services I provide to family members and friends and 
their substance misusing loved ones is a two-hour consulting session during which I explain the science of substance use | abuse | dependence (aka alcoholism or drug addiction); how substances hijack the brain and therefore change a person’s behaviors; the difference between abuse and dependence; and how coping with a loved one’s substance misuse can cause brain changes, resulting in physical and emotional impacts for family members and friends, as well. To learn more about this service, please print my brochure [FTB, short-side],
“Explaining Substance Use|Abuse|Addiction, Lisa Frederiksen.”
And by all means, feel free to email or call me. I don’t track email addresses so your contact information will always remain yours and confidential.
